Worldly Wisecracker Pillows

'No offence padre, but I'd be out of business with that sort of advice.'

"Behold the secret to happiness."

"I think I've reached that age when I don't remember if I've forgotten something."

"Oh indeed I did: I went feral for a year when I was young. It taught me a lot about the world, but about myself too..."

My belief is if you're old enough to take texts, counter-texts, and meta-texts in Western Philosophy, you should be old enough to drink.

'He attained Nirvana in two weeks? - he's GOTTA be using steroids!'

"I always check twitter before work, to see if yesterday's joke got me the sack."

'There's more to life than winning. There's also losing - to offset taxable capital gains.'

"Space is curved and time is relative? Yeah, OK...I'm calling you a cab right now, buddy."

'Are we there yet? Huh? Have we achieved Nirvana yet? Huh, have we?'

"I want to be street smart so I can be a road scholar."

Higher wisdom...

"'Procreate'! I've climbed all this way to hear that the meaning of life is 'procreate'?!"

'Throw me back and I'll tell you where a 12-pounder is hiding.'

'I have answers to the kind of questions no one likes to ask.'

'The only part of my body that defies gravity is my age.'

'It says, 'Life is like a transistor.''

"A journey of a thousand miles must begin with a single malt."

It is believed dear Jack finally figured out women. Trouble is, he died laughing before he could tell anybody.

'Meaning of life? You bet! Here, pull my finger.'

'What I've learnt sitting on this mountain, alone for ten years, is how boring sitting alone on a mountain for ten years is!'

"Actually, I think it's a cluster of SCUD missiles heading our way!"

"No, I want to know the meaning of never calling your mother."

'Somewhere along the way, I went from lambada to lumbago.'

USA in Pakistan: I'm the sheriff and I shot my deputy...

'A bachelor's? Big deal - I have a MASTER'S degree in enlightenment!'

"Of course, that's just my opinion. If you want my professional opinion it will cost you."

City Bar and Grill - "Stop worrying, youth and enthusiasm can't compete with experience and treachery."

'You're getting older... it's a common complaint.'

'We all shrink as we get older... You'll just have to be a little patient!'

'The Karma of the marketplace is about to overwhelm the Dogma of policy making,'

Chameleon humor...'I never metamorphosis I didn't like...'

"How do I know God is not real? For the same reason I know people on TV can't see me."

A mental-health spot quiz, Al: "A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single … Google search of travel websites"?

10 Commandments if God was a Woman...