Water Wisecracker Pillows

"You don't need a mask, I filled it with hand sanitizer." (man swimming in a pool, inviting in another person who is wearing a mask)

"I just assumed that the whale we adopted would stay in the ocean."

"I always check twitter before work, to see if yesterday's joke got me the sack."

He can lean back in contentment on cowslip banks and let everything wash over him.

'There's more to life than winning. There's also losing - to offset taxable capital gains.'

"Space is curved and time is relative? Yeah, OK...I'm calling you a cab right now, buddy."

'I have answers to the kind of questions no one likes to ask.'

"'Procreate'! I've climbed all this way to hear that the meaning of life is 'procreate'?!"

'Throw me back and I'll tell you where a 12-pounder is hiding.'

But there are other pleasures still for the fisherman's delight....for nature is everywhere about him.

"A journey of a thousand miles must begin with a single malt."

'Somewhere along the way, I went from lambada to lumbago.'

"Actually, I think it's a cluster of SCUD missiles heading our way!"

'A bachelor's? Big deal - I have a MASTER'S degree in enlightenment!'

He is happy to take almost any kind of fish...

Shallow End (Slightly innocuous statements) - Deep End (a little more weighty)

'You are doing it wrong.'

"Of course, that's just my opinion. If you want my professional opinion it will cost you."

City Bar and Grill - "Stop worrying, youth and enthusiasm can't compete with experience and treachery."

'You're getting older... it's a common complaint.'

"How do I know God is not real? For the same reason I know people on TV can't see me."

10 Commandments if God was a Woman...

A mental-health spot quiz, Al: "A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single … Google search of travel websites"?

"Look, you're the one who asked me for some girl advice."

Chameleon humor...'I never metamorphosis I didn't like...'

'Relax, Wilson-I'm just off to the loo.'

'We all shrink as we get older... You'll just have to be a little patient!'

"Just how many ways are there to skin a cat?"

'Remember, Grindley; Neither a borrower nor a lender be: The real profit is in being the middle man.'

'If wine is 85% water, as long as I leave over 15%, I guess I can drink all I want.'

Welcome! University of Hard Knocks...Where common sense is better than smarts!

'Well, that's a tough question, son. The truth is no one knows what happens when we die, although most religions do believe in some kind of persistent vegetative state.'

'Now that we can talk, let me give you some advice....'

"You know what burns me up? I deliberately kept my life uneventful, and I got old anyway."

"I'm taking a creative writing class. I turned in my checkbook and got an A."