Workplace Wisecracker Pillows

"Never be afraid to take me into your confidence, Sally, I'm very partial to stoolies."

'Relax, Wilson-I'm just off to the loo.'

Business meeting, CEO is dressed strangely as he asks: 'Any questions?'

"I always check twitter before work, to see if yesterday's joke got me the sack."

Presentation: Thinking each other are idiots.

'Your resume is impressive, but next time try to shorten it from 100 pages to one.'

'There's more to life than winning. There's also losing - to offset taxable capital gains.'

"Space is curved and time is relative? Yeah, OK...I'm calling you a cab right now, buddy."

"You're hired. Now, I'll show you your desk, the break room, and the dented wall you're allowed to beat your head against."

"We should have taken the cubicles."

"Tom, I’d like you to meet Chris. Chris is better than you."

"It's my intelligence, talent and hard work that have got me to the top."

"'Procreate'! I've climbed all this way to hear that the meaning of life is 'procreate'?!"

'I have answers to the kind of questions no one likes to ask.'

Free Range Employees.

"I don't know whether your tired, anxious, nervous, or whatever. But it looks like a clear case of performance anxiety."

"Actually, I think it's a cluster of SCUD missiles heading our way!"

'Somewhere along the way, I went from lambada to lumbago.'

"Gosh, 'inept' seems so harsh. Personally, I prefer the term 'productivity-challenged!'"

'A bachelor's? Big deal - I have a MASTER'S degree in enlightenment!'

'Leave my biscuit in my in-tray. I'll deal with it in the morning.'

'Not only will it do the work of ten people, it will scare 40% more work out of the rest of the employees.'

"Effective leadership is more than just telling everybody to be like you!"

"Of course, that's just my opinion. If you want my professional opinion it will cost you."

'I do good work... unfortunately, I don't do it here.'

'You're getting older... it's a common complaint.'

City Bar and Grill - "Stop worrying, youth and enthusiasm can't compete with experience and treachery."

'We all shrink as we get older... You'll just have to be a little patient!'

"How do I know God is not real? For the same reason I know people on TV can't see me."

10 Commandments if God was a Woman...

'I'm fired, am I -- What's that supposed to mean?'

"Look, you're the one who asked me for some girl advice."

A mental-health spot quiz, Al: "A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single … Google search of travel websites"?

'Since we've remodeled, you are no longer here.'

'I'm not saying he's going to chew you out, but he skipped breakfast and lunch.'