Workplace Wisecracker Pillows

"Never be afraid to take me into your confidence, Sally, I'm very partial to stoolies."

'Relax, Wilson-I'm just off to the loo.'

Business meeting, CEO is dressed strangely as he asks: 'Any questions?'

"I always check twitter before work, to see if yesterday's joke got me the sack."

Presentation: Thinking each other are idiots.

'Your resume is impressive, but next time try to shorten it from 100 pages to one.'

'There's more to life than winning. There's also losing - to offset taxable capital gains.'

"You're hired. Now, I'll show you your desk, the break room, and the dented wall you're allowed to beat your head against."

"Tom, I’d like you to meet Chris. Chris is better than you."

"We should have taken the cubicles."

"I don't know whether your tired, anxious, nervous, or whatever. But it looks like a clear case of performance anxiety."

Free Range Employees.

"'Procreate'! I've climbed all this way to hear that the meaning of life is 'procreate'?!"

'I have answers to the kind of questions no one likes to ask.'

'Not only will it do the work of ten people, it will scare 40% more work out of the rest of the employees.'

'Leave my biscuit in my in-tray. I'll deal with it in the morning.'

"Actually, I think it's a cluster of SCUD missiles heading our way!"

'Somewhere along the way, I went from lambada to lumbago.'

'A bachelor's? Big deal - I have a MASTER'S degree in enlightenment!'

"Gosh, 'inept' seems so harsh. Personally, I prefer the term 'productivity-challenged!'"

"Effective leadership is more than just telling everybody to be like you!"

"Of course, that's just my opinion. If you want my professional opinion it will cost you."

'You're getting older... it's a common complaint.'

City Bar and Grill - "Stop worrying, youth and enthusiasm can't compete with experience and treachery."

'I do good work... unfortunately, I don't do it here.'

"Look, you're the one who asked me for some girl advice."

'We all shrink as we get older... You'll just have to be a little patient!'

Chameleon humor...'I never metamorphosis I didn't like...'

"We're a family here and you'll be like a son to me - illegitimate, of course."

"Let me level with you. I am a lecherous, incompetent, alcoholic, overpaid, sexist senior executive. The company has put me in your way to test your countervailing potential."

"How do I know God is not real? For the same reason I know people on TV can't see me."

'I'm fired, am I -- What's that supposed to mean?'

'I'm not saying he's going to chew you out, but he skipped breakfast and lunch.'