Office Wisecracker Pillows

'Remember, Grindley; Neither a borrower nor a lender be: The real profit is in being the middle man.'

"I think I've reached that age when I don't remember if I've forgotten something."

My belief is if you're old enough to take texts, counter-texts, and meta-texts in Western Philosophy, you should be old enough to drink.

"I always check twitter before work, to see if yesterday's joke got me the sack."

'There's more to life than winning. There's also losing - to offset taxable capital gains.'

"Space is curved and time is relative? Yeah, OK...I'm calling you a cab right now, buddy."

"I want to be street smart so I can be a road scholar."

'I have answers to the kind of questions no one likes to ask.'

"'Procreate'! I've climbed all this way to hear that the meaning of life is 'procreate'?!"

'The only part of my body that defies gravity is my age.'

'I'm worried about all these unemployed. They're still on our payroll'

It is believed dear Jack finally figured out women. Trouble is, he died laughing before he could tell anybody.

'A bachelor's? Big deal - I have a MASTER'S degree in enlightenment!'

'Somewhere along the way, I went from lambada to lumbago.'

"Actually, I think it's a cluster of SCUD missiles heading our way!"

"Of course, that's just my opinion. If you want my professional opinion it will cost you."

City Bar and Grill - "Stop worrying, youth and enthusiasm can't compete with experience and treachery."

'You're getting older... it's a common complaint.'

"How do I know God is not real? For the same reason I know people on TV can't see me."

10 Commandments if God was a Woman...

A mental-health spot quiz, Al: "A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single … Google search of travel websites"?

"Look, you're the one who asked me for some girl advice."

Chameleon humor...'I never metamorphosis I didn't like...'

'Relax, Wilson-I'm just off to the loo.'

'We all shrink as we get older... You'll just have to be a little patient!'

"Just how many ways are there to skin a cat?"

'Now,they're going to teach you to talk, but remember, after you learn how.stay away from religion or politics.'

'If wine is 85% water, as long as I leave over 15%, I guess I can drink all I want.'

Welcome! University of Hard Knocks...Where common sense is better than smarts!

'Well, that's a tough question, son. The truth is no one knows what happens when we die, although most religions do believe in some kind of persistent vegetative state.'

"I used to waste a lot of time explaining myself to family, friends and shrinks. Now I only explain myself to Rick."

'I try to avoid the trap of letting my idleness define me.'

'Now that we can talk, let me give you some advice....'

"I'm taking a creative writing class. I turned in my checkbook and got an A."

'Let's have some fun - Let's order from that place that guarantees pizza delivery in thirty minutes!'