Wealthy Wisecracker Pillows

"Unfortunately, it turns out my marriage was pegged to the dollar."

'Going...Going...Gone! Sold to the lady with more money than sense.'

"I always check twitter before work, to see if yesterday's joke got me the sack."

'There's more to life than winning. There's also losing - to offset taxable capital gains.'

'I have answers to the kind of questions no one likes to ask.'

"'Procreate'! I've climbed all this way to hear that the meaning of life is 'procreate'?!"

"A journey of a thousand miles must begin with a single malt."

'Somewhere along the way, I went from lambada to lumbago.'

"I had a low birth weight but a high birthright."

"Actually, I think it's a cluster of SCUD missiles heading our way!"

'A bachelor's? Big deal - I have a MASTER'S degree in enlightenment!'

"Of course, that's just my opinion. If you want my professional opinion it will cost you."

City Bar and Grill - "Stop worrying, youth and enthusiasm can't compete with experience and treachery."

'You're getting older... it's a common complaint.'

Chameleon humor...'I never metamorphosis I didn't like...'

"Look, you're the one who asked me for some girl advice."

"How do I know God is not real? For the same reason I know people on TV can't see me."

'We all shrink as we get older... You'll just have to be a little patient!'

"Just how many ways are there to skin a cat?"

'Remember, Grindley; Neither a borrower nor a lender be: The real profit is in being the middle man.'

'Well, that's a tough question, son. The truth is no one knows what happens when we die, although most religions do believe in some kind of persistent vegetative state.'

'If wine is 85% water, as long as I leave over 15%, I guess I can drink all I want.'

"You know what burns me up? I deliberately kept my life uneventful, and I got old anyway."

Welcome! University of Hard Knocks...Where common sense is better than smarts!

"I'm taking a creative writing class. I turned in my checkbook and got an A."

"I used to waste a lot of time explaining myself to family, friends and shrinks. Now I only explain myself to Rick."

KEEP YOUR FRIENDS CLOSE AND YOUR ENEMIES CLOSER, 'That kind of thinking leads to marriage.'

'Let's have some fun - Let's order from that place that guarantees pizza delivery in thirty minutes!'

'Now that we can talk, let me give you some advice....'

"A word to the wise..or is it a word from the wise? I always get it mixed up."

The secret to longevity is good genes, good diet, a good lawyer and witnesses with weak eyesight and poor memories.

'Enjoy it while you can, kid...one day you wake up and you're five!'

'Look! There's Santa!'