Medical Treatment Gifts

Doctor to man: 'We've found a mass. The good news is we have weapons of mass destruction.'

"Come quickly—I think I had an out-of-pocket experience."

'This operation should remove the swelling in your wallet - I mean, knee.'

'Isn't that gown cute? Those are little aortas all over it!'

'I wasn't responding well to the pills but my doctor finally got my mood stabilized.'

'I'm just checking on Ebay to see if there's any news on that liver replacement we were looking for!'

'You'll be able to lead a normal life after the operation -- except, of course, for your enormous medical bills.'

"I'm worth five hundred million, yet I am not comforted."

"Normally, I wouldn't care if some guy hated my guts...but he's my surgeon!"

"Would you prefer the artificial heart made by Venn-Trexx, or the generic, which costs a lot less?"

Heart ailments

"Sure, I can recommend some mental exercises. Try memorizing all the prescription drugs I have you on."

'I'm sick and tired of being sick and tired!'

'We got your test results back. Read it and weep.' Bedside bloopers

"Of course, you've got to expect some side effects with Eye Laser Treatment."

'The surgery is expensive. We'll have to numb you from the wallet down.'

'Thanks, but I don't expect you to chew my food for me.'

Clown Cheering Up Patient.

'But why on earth, Mr Dressen, would you want a twelfth opinion?'

'Hey doctor, how come I'm totally alone in this section?'

I like a lot of witnesses around.

Man to other coming out of Alternative Health Club: 'I had total joint replacement - they switched me from hemp to medical marijuana.'

'If these expensive pills don't eradicate your bank account, we can always do a wallet-ectomy.'

"Could I get a second opinion?"

Your medical insurance ran out? Like it was being chased by a grizzly bear.

"I'm in for observation."

"Tell me about this fear of couches."

"Everyone at Megadrug is committed to the benefits of spoken therapies, which is why we developed 'nitrazone' to enhance the experience."

'My name's Google and I'm being inundated with requests for information about every damn thing imaginable, by people I don't even know...It's endless!'

'Look, you can only do so much!'

'...I already have 26 cats, why not 27...'

'You've got bats alright...now we'll just have to determine what kind.'

"I dunno, I guess I just don't believe in myself anymore."

Licensed Therapist

"I bought it off the therapist who's helping me kick my compulsive shopping disorder."