Medical Scenarios Gifts

Mosquito feeding from a blood transfusion bag.

"When he was yelling stroke, stroke, stroke...I just thought he was counting!"

Ah ha! Surgeons remove shopping trolley from patient.

Worry tank

'He's holding a sign saying he's marooned with 20 cases of La Tache. A second sign: drop a corkscrew and come back in six months.'

'Maybe it should be funnier...'

'Can I call you back, Frank? A giant maggot is eating my desk, people are shooting at me and my hair is on fire.'

'You don't need a colonoscopy, but I'm sending you for one because, quite frankly, I don't like you.'

"What the hell happened to this town?"

"I'm referring you to an old gypsy woman."

"I always wondered who got my transplant."

'Did anyone hand in a mature stilton last week?'

"But, for ten million bucks, would you lick it?"

"... And who asked for your opinion, I'd like to know?!"

'I know it's not around too much this season but I think I have swine flu!'

"It's kittens."

"And as if that wasn't bad enough. They've discovered that I'm allergic to bandages!"

"But doctor...when I said I wanted to increase my breasts what I meant was..."

"Well, I'll be - he cut and ran."

'Ordinarily I wouldn't do anything like that, Mr. Hubbard, but I just hit $2 million in the lottery!'

Office of Strategic Scenarios: 'Best case...Worst case.'

'Judging from the chart, I'd say someone has a crush on their nurse...'

"The staff of this hospital would like to assure you, Mrs. Smith, that the brain of Mr. Smith ending up in Frankenstein's monster was entirely unintentional."

"I understand you were involved in a golf mishap this morning!"

Kate's Cat Kennel

"Randy, if you were stranded on an island, what's the one book you'd want to have along with you?" "Easy: Blood Meridian by Cormac McCarthy. It's got the perfect heft to knock coconuts out of trees." "Well, I'd like to have How to Get Off an Island, by Archie Macguyver." "That title's actually a metaphor for overcoming shyness." "We really should have our own book review show."

Nil By Ear

"Trust me, Doc, it's quicker if I tell you what doesn't hurt."

"I seem to recall reading about a similar case, many years ago."

'I am afraid I have good and bad news Mrs Jones. Your hypochondriac days are over...you actually have an illness!'

"Smoke two joints and call me in the afternoon."

"The test results are conclusive. He doesn't have a romantic bone in his body."

Hospital Reception - Ring for assistance

'Nurse, we think you might be getting a little too close to the patient.'

'I told you not to do that. Now put it back.'