Medical Scenarios Gifts

Mosquito feeding from a blood transfusion bag.

"When he was yelling stroke, stroke, stroke...I just thought he was counting!"

Ah ha! Surgeons remove shopping trolley from patient.

Worry tank

'He's holding a sign saying he's marooned with 20 cases of La Tache. A second sign: drop a corkscrew and come back in six months.'

'Maybe it should be funnier...'

'Can I call you back, Frank? A giant maggot is eating my desk, people are shooting at me and my hair is on fire.'

'You don't need a colonoscopy, but I'm sending you for one because, quite frankly, I don't like you.'

"I'm referring you to an old gypsy woman."

"What the hell happened to this town?"

"I always wondered who got my transplant."

'Did anyone hand in a mature stilton last week?'

"... And who asked for your opinion, I'd like to know?!"

"But, for ten million bucks, would you lick it?"

'I know it's not around too much this season but I think I have swine flu!'

"It's kittens."

"But doctor...when I said I wanted to increase my breasts what I meant was..."

"And as if that wasn't bad enough. They've discovered that I'm allergic to bandages!"

Spiderman car window cleaner

"Well, I'll be - he cut and ran."

'Ordinarily I wouldn't do anything like that, Mr. Hubbard, but I just hit $2 million in the lottery!'

Office of Strategic Scenarios: 'Best case...Worst case.'

'If things don't go well, tell me you'll pull the plug. I want to know you'll be provided for.'

'Judging from the chart, I'd say someone has a crush on their nurse...'

"Randy, if you were stranded on an island, what's the one book you'd want to have along with you?" "Easy: Blood Meridian by Cormac McCarthy. It's got the perfect heft to knock coconuts out of trees." "Well, I'd like to have How to Get Off an Island, by Archie Macguyver." "That title's actually a metaphor for overcoming shyness." "We really should have our own book review show."

"I understand you were involved in a golf mishap this morning!"

Spock visits the Orthopedics

Nil By Ear

Kate's Cat Kennel

"The staff of this hospital would like to assure you, Mrs. Smith, that the brain of Mr. Smith ending up in Frankenstein's monster was entirely unintentional."

"Trust me, Doc, it's quicker if I tell you what doesn't hurt."

"I seem to recall reading about a similar case, many years ago."

'I am afraid I have good and bad news Mrs Jones. Your hypochondriac days are over...you actually have an illness!'

"The test results are conclusive. He doesn't have a romantic bone in his body."

"Smoke two joints and call me in the afternoon."