Medical Satire Collector Pillows

'Good morning, Mr. Lumb, we've got you down for no consent euthanasia today.'

"Great news, Mr. Corrigan,...the large, life-threatening hump we removed from your back turned out to be your attorney..."

'We can't afford advertising like this! That's one page for the drug and two just for the side effects!'

"Grandmother, what big diastolic numbers you have."

'I think you've reached the mandatory retirement number of oopses.'

Heart surgeon tastooing patients heart with "Love".

'Is there another doctor in the house? He wants a second opinion.'

'Goodness, no Doctor, my husband is not calling you any insulting names. He's a duck and that's the only word he knows.'

'You're overdue for your checkup.'

Lactose Intolerant

"I'm afraid you could go at any time."

'Well, what do I have?...Within reason, of course.'

"No, I won't write your prescription legibly...you'd just google it and ask a lot of dumb questions."

'He's got abdominal pain, dizziness and soreness in his extremities. I'll know more when I see X-rays...'

Virtual Doctor

'Hello, I'm Dr. Frank Stein and this is my anaesthetist, Dr. Ivan Gore. We'll be doing your hernia operation tomorrow.'

"How long were you in the waiting room?"

"L.L. Bean slippers... $25.00 Ambulance ride to hospital... $500.00 X-rays of spine... $350.00 Three refills of hydrocodone... priceless!"

'Let me get this straight- you went to a GUY-ne-cologist, to discuss MEN-o-pause?'

'I'd like a second opinion, doctor.'

Saline Drip Sommelier.

"You'll be awake during the entire procedure. Your HMO won't cover the Anesthesia."

'Nurse, I said x-ray, not microwave.'

'No, I don't think it a cute idea! Get rid of him and turn in your supervisor's uniform!'

'There is a drug for Hypochondria... but the side-effects may actually make you sick!'

"We've combine the recovery area with the gift shop... just in case your visitors want to pick up a little souvenir."

'Thanks, but I don't expect you to chew my food for me.'

"There are no such things as problems, only opportunities."

"Please, doc, pull the plug. Not on me...on the TV!"

'Oh, well... Accidents will happen.'

'Your cat scan looks fine, your pet scan looks fine, your MRI looks fine, but your insurance reimbursement doesn't look fine.'

"According to your brain scan, you just don't want to go back to work."

"I feel your pain level."

'I'm afraid it's bad news Mr.Hooper, I've just got the report on your finances.'

"Assisting me with this delicate procedure is Dr. Warren. He's one of the top specialists in avoiding malpractice suits."