Medical Parody Fan Pillows

"In case something happens during the surgery and you become incapacitated, have you designated someone to make poor life choices on your behalf?"

Seal/Yak Disease

Nose Jobs $2.

"If you don't want stitches, that's fine. Suture self."

'I really enjoyed my stay in the hospital - I never get served breakfast in bed at home.'

"I've done this procedure so often I could do it in my sleep. But that's only happened twice – that I'll admit to."

'Goodness, no Doctor, my husband is not calling you any insulting names. He's a duck and that's the only word he knows.'

Lactose Intolerant

'I don't believe it. Five minutes after he gets the darn thing, he has an arrest!'

'Before you see any patients have you completed your hand sterilisation and soap management course?'

'And when did you have your last owl movement?'

"If you'd only come to me sooner I wouldn't have had to go to lunch."

"All my symptoms are old ... "

'I'm afraid that serves you right for not wearing your safety goggles!'

'He's got abdominal pain, dizziness and soreness in his extremities. I'll know more when I see X-rays...'

"He's going to be O.K., but he still wants you to remarry."

Doctor performing an ultrasound on a Russian nesting doll

"How long were you in the waiting room?"

'A Caesarian? - But I want my son to be a natural-born citizen!'

"I think it stopped breathing."

'Who wants to be examined first?'

"L.L. Bean slippers... $25.00 Ambulance ride to hospital... $500.00 X-rays of spine... $350.00 Three refills of hydrocodone... priceless!"

Dog forced to return bone

'My boyfriend's a Cardiologist.'

'Let me get this straight- you went to a GUY-ne-cologist, to discuss MEN-o-pause?'

'Your 'bad' cholesterol levels are right off the chart.'

"Please, doc, pull the plug. Not on me...on the TV!"

'Oh, well... Accidents will happen.'

"My first night in the lab and I was clearly the smallest brain in the place."

"The patient in 12-C needs comforting."

"It's probably a fracture - we'll do some imaging on it just to be sure."

'That's not what I meant by 'IV'.'

'My goodness, how many miricle drugs did they give you?'

'I've got this feeling, like a heavy weight on my stomach.'

"It says you need a CT scan and that the azaleas in the corner need to be watered twice daily."