Satirical Medicine Fan Pillows

'Like I said - It's non invasive surgery.'

I'd like to try an experimental German treatment called Kwitcherbichen.

"Well it's not so much an ITCH, more a slight irritation, what could it be?"

"If you don't want stitches, that's fine. Suture self."

"I've done this procedure so often I could do it in my sleep. But that's only happened twice – that I'll admit to."

'Goodness, no Doctor, my husband is not calling you any insulting names. He's a duck and that's the only word he knows.'

Lactose Intolerant

"I'm afraid you could go at any time."

"If you'd only come to me sooner I wouldn't have had to go to lunch."

'And when did you have your last owl movement?'

'Before you see any patients have you completed your hand sterilisation and soap management course?'

"In case something happens during the surgery and you become incapacitated, have you designated someone to make poor life choices on your behalf?"

'Well, what do I have?...Within reason, of course.'

"No, I won't write your prescription legibly...you'd just google it and ask a lot of dumb questions."

'I'm afraid that serves you right for not wearing your safety goggles!'

"All my symptoms are old ... "

'He's got abdominal pain, dizziness and soreness in his extremities. I'll know more when I see X-rays...'

Doctor performing an ultrasound on a Russian nesting doll

"How long were you in the waiting room?"

"L.L. Bean slippers... $25.00 Ambulance ride to hospital... $500.00 X-rays of spine... $350.00 Three refills of hydrocodone... priceless!"

'Who wants to be examined first?'

"I think it stopped breathing."

Dog forced to return bone

'My boyfriend's a Cardiologist.'

'Let me get this straight- you went to a GUY-ne-cologist, to discuss MEN-o-pause?'

'I'd like a second opinion, doctor.'

'Your 'bad' cholesterol levels are right off the chart.'

"Please, doc, pull the plug. Not on me...on the TV!"

'Oh, well... Accidents will happen.'

"My first night in the lab and I was clearly the smallest brain in the place."

"The patient in 12-C needs comforting."

'Nurse, I said x-ray, not microwave.'

"It's probably a fracture - we'll do some imaging on it just to be sure."

"I feel your pain level."

'I'm afraid it's bad news Mr.Hooper, I've just got the report on your finances.'