Medical Comedic Fan Pillows

'I suspect you're getting older. Let's run an MRI to confirm my suspicions.'

"If you don't want stitches, that's fine. Suture self."

'I really enjoyed my stay in the hospital - I never get served breakfast in bed at home.'

"I've done this procedure so often I could do it in my sleep. But that's only happened twice – that I'll admit to."

'Goodness, no Doctor, my husband is not calling you any insulting names. He's a duck and that's the only word he knows.'

Lactose Intolerant

"There's your son's heartbeat, and over here is the app he's developing."

'I don't believe it. Five minutes after he gets the darn thing, he has an arrest!'

'And when did you have your last owl movement?'

"If you'd only come to me sooner I wouldn't have had to go to lunch."

'Before you see any patients have you completed your hand sterilisation and soap management course?'

'I'm afraid that serves you right for not wearing your safety goggles!'

"All my symptoms are old ... "

"Because we dismissed his original self-diagnosis, he wants to give us his second opinion."

"In case something happens during the surgery and you become incapacitated, have you designated someone to make poor life choices on your behalf?"

'He's got abdominal pain, dizziness and soreness in his extremities. I'll know more when I see X-rays...'

'Okay, Mom. I'm sorry I re-gifted one of the kidneys you gave me.'

"He's going to be O.K., but he still wants you to remarry."

Doctor performing an ultrasound on a Russian nesting doll

"I think it stopped breathing."

"Reverend, I recommend you turn the other cheek."

"How long were you in the waiting room?"

'Who wants to be examined first?'

'A Caesarian? - But I want my son to be a natural-born citizen!'

Dog forced to return bone

'It may be more inconvenient, but the 'Reverse Prostate Exam' is a lot less embarrassing for the both of us.'

"He should be up and complaining in no time."

'My boyfriend's a Cardiologist.'

'Let me get this straight- you went to a GUY-ne-cologist, to discuss MEN-o-pause?'

'Good thing it has a child-proof cap.'

'Your 'bad' cholesterol levels are right off the chart.'

"You'll feel a pinch and then a burn."

'I've only come to get my nail back.'

'Oh, well... Accidents will happen.'

"Please, doc, pull the plug. Not on me...on the TV!"