Quirky Medical Comedy Fan Pillows

'During the heart-transplant, since it was your birthday, I went ahead and added two more inches, no charge.'

"If you don't want stitches, that's fine. Suture self."

"I've done this procedure so often I could do it in my sleep. But that's only happened twice – that I'll admit to."

'I really enjoyed my stay in the hospital - I never get served breakfast in bed at home.'

'Goodness, no Doctor, my husband is not calling you any insulting names. He's a duck and that's the only word he knows.'

Lactose Intolerant

'You're going to have to make some changes in your lifestyle.'

'I don't believe it. Five minutes after he gets the darn thing, he has an arrest!'

"The doctor wanted me to let you know that everything is fine, but your c-section didn't go quite as planned. it was more like a 'K' section..."

"If you'd only come to me sooner I wouldn't have had to go to lunch."

'I want to forewarn you that my HMO won't approve any treatment that uses a needle.'

'Before you see any patients have you completed your hand sterilisation and soap management course?'

'And when did you have your last owl movement?'

'I'm afraid that serves you right for not wearing your safety goggles!'

"All my symptoms are old ... "

"In case something happens during the surgery and you become incapacitated, have you designated someone to make poor life choices on your behalf?"

"Boy, do we hate to see this... I'm afraid your child's entire body is an 'innie'."

"Because we dismissed his original self-diagnosis, he wants to give us his second opinion."

'He's got abdominal pain, dizziness and soreness in his extremities. I'll know more when I see X-rays...'

'Okay, Mom. I'm sorry I re-gifted one of the kidneys you gave me.'

"He's going to be O.K., but he still wants you to remarry."

Doctor performing an ultrasound on a Russian nesting doll

'Who wants to be examined first?'

'A Caesarian? - But I want my son to be a natural-born citizen!'

"How long were you in the waiting room?"

Prospective hospital employee: 'I do sutures. Are there any openings?'

"I think it stopped breathing."

Happy Birthday to you.

"Reverend, I recommend you turn the other cheek."

Scene from 'Night of the Koala'

Dog forced to return bone

'It may be more inconvenient, but the 'Reverse Prostate Exam' is a lot less embarrassing for the both of us.'

'My boyfriend's a Cardiologist.'

"He should be up and complaining in no time."

'Let me get this straight- you went to a GUY-ne-cologist, to discuss MEN-o-pause?'