Medical Parody Lover Pillows

"The good news is that we've managed to combine all of your medications into one tablet. . . the bad news is that it's a suppository."

"If you don't want stitches, that's fine. Suture self."

'I checked the database, Mrs. Nimitz. There's no such symptom.'

"I've done this procedure so often I could do it in my sleep. But that's only happened twice – that I'll admit to."

'Goodness, no Doctor, my husband is not calling you any insulting names. He's a duck and that's the only word he knows.'

Lactose Intolerant

"I'm afraid you could go at any time."

'And when did you have your last owl movement?'

"If you'd only come to me sooner I wouldn't have had to go to lunch."

'Before you see any patients have you completed your hand sterilisation and soap management course?'

'I'm afraid that serves you right for not wearing your safety goggles!'

"Because we dismissed his original self-diagnosis, he wants to give us his second opinion."

"In case something happens during the surgery and you become incapacitated, have you designated someone to make poor life choices on your behalf?"

"No, I won't write your prescription legibly...you'd just google it and ask a lot of dumb questions."

"All my symptoms are old ... "

'Well, what do I have?...Within reason, of course.'

'He's got abdominal pain, dizziness and soreness in his extremities. I'll know more when I see X-rays...'

'Okay, Mom. I'm sorry I re-gifted one of the kidneys you gave me.'

Doctor performing an ultrasound on a Russian nesting doll

"L.L. Bean slippers... $25.00 Ambulance ride to hospital... $500.00 X-rays of spine... $350.00 Three refills of hydrocodone... priceless!"

"I think it stopped breathing."

"How long were you in the waiting room?"

'Who wants to be examined first?'

'My boyfriend's a Cardiologist.'

"He should be up and complaining in no time."

'Let me get this straight- you went to a GUY-ne-cologist, to discuss MEN-o-pause?'

'Good thing it has a child-proof cap.'

'I'd like a second opinion, doctor.'

'Your 'bad' cholesterol levels are right off the chart.'

"The patient in 12-C needs comforting."

"My first night in the lab and I was clearly the smallest brain in the place."

I said, your bones ache because you’re old. I’m referring you to an archaeologist.

"Please, doc, pull the plug. Not on me...on the TV!"

"You'll feel a pinch and then a burn."

'Nurse, I said x-ray, not microwave.'