Medical Mavens Gifts

"That's a big fat lie!"

Doctor's office pyramid.

'The pressure is too great. We want to be transferred out of panacea research.'

"Nowadays, Mr. Lambert, we practice preventive medicine. In laymen's terms, this means I don't do a damn thing until I talk to my lawyer."

'Thanks for coming in at such short notice Mr Finn. First the good news...your test results have come back...'

'Just follow these simple instructions.'

'...and now, Gentlemen, we come to our final lecture in advanced cardiology...'

'A problem with the Phase II trials. Everyone - all the people - was given the placebo, and no one got the drug.'

"Yeah, I know. bu tthe administration didn't want to appear culturally insensitive."

"The saying Use It or Lose It isn’t referring to one’s appetite."

"Hurry, stop him!" (Dog running off with bone from man's x-ray).

'Not feeling well? Don't be silly - your EKG has outperformed the Dow.'

"Nurse, when I asked you to make the patient more comfortable I just meant plump up his pillows!"

Superbug Research Go For It / Got it

Sign in doctors office - Malpractice Makes Perfect.

'You seem quieter tonight. Did they give you something to help you relax?'

'A little more relaxant I think, nurse.'

'How about a little smile for me. You've outlived my prediction!'

'She's one of our nurses hiding from the patient load.'

Podiatry. The greated podiatrist of all time, you say? Yep. I studied at his feet.

'I like to think of the common bile duct as the gateway to the Bahamas.

Pre-Old Blues

The Canary in the Coal Mine

"We think we got some good CT scans, but unfortunately they're encrypted and our I.T. guy is on vacation this week."

Look on the bright side...they'll probably name a disease after you.

Health Care Crisis table.

'The good news is that it's not your fault.'

The end is near

"We can give you enough medication to alleviate the pain, but not enough to make it fun."

"I give up. Where's the patient?'

'I know my instruments are sterilized every day but I have no idea who does it.'

'I'm a practical nurse! -- I know better than to listen to doctors!'

These drug will cost you an arm and a leg...the good news is, my wife and I own stock in the company that makes them.

'How could it have been rough for you back in Pharmacy school, Dad? You only had penicillin and aspirin.'

'In the doctor's defense, there have been no serious post operative complications.'