Medical Irony Gifts

Universal Soldier/ Local Anaesthetic

"Everyone at Megadrug is committed to the benefits of spoken therapies, which is why we developed 'nitrazone' to enhance the experience."

Heart surgeon tastooing patients heart with "Love".

"No, I won't write your prescription legibly...you'd just google it and ask a lot of dumb questions."

'Well, what do I have?...Within reason, of course.'

While you're at it, will you sew on my shirt button please?

"Assisting me with this delicate procedure is Dr. Warren. He's one of the top specialists in avoiding malpractice suits."

"Your test results are back. We're going to have to remove your appendix and your wallet."

'Pardon me, Doctor; but exactly where did you study anaesthesiology?'

Man sees sign on hospital: 'Heart Surgeons Wanted' 'Immediate Openings'

"Since Dr Mullin's ill, a temp from Manpower will perform your liver transplant."

'Last year's 'Bring your pet to work day' turned out very well.'

'So how did you manage to get your saline replaced with lager?'

"If it's an expensive surgery, we now implant a GPS tracking device for the hospital's collections department."

'Dr. Bone's first opening for a new patient is 2 months from now. Will that work for you?'

"Take one three times a day and come back in 43 years."

"I'm afraid we've had to move him to expensive care."

'You can have general anesthesia or just be numbed from the wallet down.'

'Remember the NHS ethos; if it ain't broke, break it. Then make sure it can't be mended.'

'Kitchen! Chicken Bone! Hurry!!' - Rent-A-Surgeon

'You'd better stick with blurry eyes, anxiety attacks and hallucinations, because he drug prescription, I'd give,shows even greater side effects!'

'Another botched Snotox injection...'

'It's me, Jack Gurkenman! I'm your ophthalmologist with the broken left ankle, doctor!'

"The answer isn't more troops—what you need is an antibiotic."

"More ashtray, nurse! For God's sake, more ashtray!"

'For god's sake Walters, wait until the patient is fully anesthetized before going through his wallet.'

Open up the Shops!

'I'm sorry, but your surgery is considered to be experimental, so it's not covered by your insurance.'

"I'm having you fitted with a monitoring device that will help reduce blood glucose during meals by automatically signaling the brain to reduce food absorption. It's called a belt."

"The food's so bad in here I had them put me back on the intravenous feedings."

"Can you fit him with remote control facilities, doctor"

"Your health insurance doesn't cover what you've got...so I'm diagnosing you with something they do cover."

'What can you give me for my liver?' 'A pound of onions!'

"My Dad has just come out of hospital."

Make him take 16 of these a day until we feel a bit better about what we're doing to him.