Medical Billing Gifts

"Well, you helped me with my initial health issue, but now I've got headaches from dealing with billing and insurance!"

"Either we score some higher reimbursements rates...or we're going to have to punt."

"There's no co-pay this time. The doctor really wasn't paying attention."

"It's elective surgery. Shouldn't I get a discount for the time you save not dealing with insurance forms?"

"I have good news if you have insurance. Bad news, if you don't."

'£189, how'd you figure that out?' - 'I'm charging you £1 for every pound you weigh.'

"Reimbursements are still shrinking - billing sent us the latest payment to read."

'Before we start, let me tell you why I have to overcharge you.'

'You're suffering from amnesia, so that'll be £50 in advance please.'

'Take two of these, stuff them waaaay up your nostrils and leave them there until you've paid your bill from three months ago.'

"Actually, I'm glad to hear the details of your operation. They forgot to charge you for that one procedure."

"This is the patient, doctor..."

"I made a grave error at your last visit - my bill was $50 too low."

A $50 co-pay? Well, go find someone named 'Co' and maybe they can pay you."

"Great news! Your prognosis is awful, but all the treatment options are billable."

"Good news! Your health care provider has agreed to pay for that tongue depressor I used on you. However, you will have to pay for everything else."

"Our new associate asks how much of a fee is too much. Do you want to handle this or shall I laugh in his face?"

"When I grow up, I want to go into medicine and help people who can pay out of pocket."

'Your cat scan looks fine, your pet scan looks fine, your MRI looks fine, but your insurance reimbursement doesn't look fine.'

Invoice: 'That's good laughter is the best medicine.'

'It was more than my finest hour, Paltrow. It was my finest billable hour.'

I am billing, therefore I am.

"I'll have someone come in and prep you for the bill."

'You may have an adverse reaction when I administer this. It's your medical bill.'

We charge $500 for every nook and $1,200 for every cranny during diagnosis.

"We calculated your age by how many hours you billed your clients, and you are at least 96."

'I decide reimbursement rates at the Healthcare Exchange of Oz!'

"If it's an expensive surgery, we now implant a GPS tracking device for the hospital's collections department."

'Don't ask how much your hospital bill is because we have no way of knowing.'

'Boy! The cost of health care is going up, up, up...'

"But Doctor - will the government pay for Ferris Buelleritis?"

"I charge by the grain."

"The initial test results are in and you have excellent coverage."

'You'll be happy to know there's nothing wrong with you. That will be four thousand, three hundred and eighty two dollars.'

'The doctor told me to avoid stress and then sends me a bill for $670.00.'