Materialism Maven Gifts

"Most of my consumerism is self-taught."

"What do you get the person who wants everything?"

"We were able to retire 6 years early by canceling cable & eliminating anything fun."

Ghostwriting the Bible

"Ever since you changed from a frog to a Prince you seem a little jumpy!"

"We went for Scandinavian interiors."

Adam names the animals (He puts sticky notes on them saying Shaz, Dave, Trish etc).

'The next piece contains sex, violence, and Homeric epithets.'

'What did I tell you? There's always a catch to those bargain internet travel fares...'

Wolf to Red Riding Hood: 'No thanks, I'm on a strict grandmother diet.'

Stonehenge Explained

"And this is a $20,000 ‘meditation room’ — can you believe it?!!"

"May I skip the usual Show & Tell and try to hustle some merch?"

Invisible clothes

Prepare to meet thy mechanic.

"Kiss me and I'll turn into a Prince. But I have to be honest with you, if asked about it I'll deny the whole sordid affair!"

Moses as a child.

Cover Design for Yellow Book Prospectus for Vol 5 (Not Published)

"Do I have to go out again!?"

"I need a pitchfork that's just a pitchfork."

"Oh, the crystal ball rolled off and fell right on my foot! Didn't see it coming!"

Magic Ring to gain entry into Tolkien Archive

'My crystal ball is in the shop. Pick a fortune cookie.'

Categories are the key to organizing.

"Instead of Red Team and Blue Team, why don't we make it Good v. Evil?"

'U.S. Manufacturing'

How judicious you are/How thin you spread it

"He's good with crops, but slow to respond in an emergency."

Castle Efficiency

It was a match made in heaven.

"That metallic grinding means her throwout bearings are shot. She's backfiring through her carburetor. The tick indicates transmission trouble, and the smoke means she's on fire."

"Just what we've been looking for...a happy medium."

Open-Plan Psychiatry

"Yeah, right, Noah. Like THAT'S gonna work!"

"And this one is made of ancient crystals that detoxify the air and remove all the money from your pocket."