Matchstick Humorists Gifts

Attack using an offensive weapon

'Boy, watch out for that pursestring suture!'

Large print e-book.

Tennis ball girl.

Government survey into the effects of haggis throwing in Ethiopia.

'And though he died during the hunt, we can only assume that George L Jones would want this new species of butt-faced clown monkey to forever bear his name.'

"Why can’t this count as ‘date night’?"

'The first day on the job was not going well for Al...'

'You say you're having trouble seeing into the future'

The Rugby Throw Up.

'To begin with, he's from Mars, I'm from Venus...'

4-Panel: (1) 'Did you read this article on cockroaches?' (2) 'It says scientists have confirmed conditioned reflexes in cockroaches, just like Pavlov's dogs. I don't know if I believe that!' (4) 'What's for dinner?'

"No, we don't have field to plate provenance for each bean."

Bride of Frankenstein charges her phone

"Your problem isn't the prescription."

Newton discovers surrealism

'Guess who I bumped into today? EVERYBODY!'

Lie detector, "It's a goddam liar bird all right."

'Man, when was the last time you had your eyes tested?'

Harbor Hotel: 'Absolutely NO swashbuckling after 10 PM'.

'You don't sniff my butt anymore.'

'Unknown fact: Cows aren't grazing...they're searching for their contact lenses.'

"NOBODY LISTENS ANYMORE."

"I'm here because my vision is getting so bad I can't even see clearly in my dreams at night!"

"I've never trusted cows."

'Very good, but not quite 'presidential vision'.'

Groucho Glasses Eye Test

'Unknown fact: Cows aren't grazing...they're searching for their contact lenses.'

"Not moonshine - small batch, artisanal grain alcohol."

'Can't you tell people about our new swimming pool without saying I've 'gone off the deep end?''

Robot porn.