Matchstick Humorists Gifts

Attack using an offensive weapon

'Boy, watch out for that pursestring suture!'

Large print e-book.

Tennis ball girl.

'And though he died during the hunt, we can only assume that George L Jones would want this new species of butt-faced clown monkey to forever bear his name.'

Government survey into the effects of haggis throwing in Ethiopia.

"Why can’t this count as ‘date night’?"

'The first day on the job was not going well for Al...'

'You say you're having trouble seeing into the future'

The Rugby Throw Up.

'To begin with, he's from Mars, I'm from Venus...'

I think I need new glasses. I swear I just saw a tiny man jump off your bridge.

Bride of Frankenstein charges her phone

"No, we don't have field to plate provenance for each bean."

4-Panel: (1) 'Did you read this article on cockroaches?' (2) 'It says scientists have confirmed conditioned reflexes in cockroaches, just like Pavlov's dogs. I don't know if I believe that!' (4) 'What's for dinner?'

"Your problem isn't the prescription."

A man with notches in his nose for his glasses.

Newton discovers surrealism

Harbor Hotel: 'Absolutely NO swashbuckling after 10 PM'.

'Man, when was the last time you had your eyes tested?'

Lie detector, "It's a goddam liar bird all right."

"I'm here because my vision is getting so bad I can't even see clearly in my dreams at night!"

"NOBODY LISTENS ANYMORE."

'Guess who I bumped into today? EVERYBODY!'

'Unknown fact: Cows aren't grazing...they're searching for their contact lenses.'

If it's any consolation, you burned the bejeezus out of his finger.

'You don't sniff my butt anymore.'

"Edgar, I'm talking to you! For goodness sake, has the cat got your tongue?"

"I've never trusted cows."

'Very good, but not quite 'presidential vision'.'

Groucho Glasses Eye Test

'This is a first Mr Cowbird. You've contracted mad cow disase and the bird flu!'

'Unknown fact: Cows aren't grazing...they're searching for their contact lenses.'

"Not moonshine - small batch, artisanal grain alcohol."

Robot porn.