Marriage Mendicant Gifts

'What's the hardest thing about playing bowls?'

'Now what brings you lovely people here?'

"We'll always have couples therapy."

Couples' therapy

"OK, fine. Perhaps 'sower of discord in the lower depths of hell' was overstating it."

'I find that a live rhinoceros rather than an invisible elephant speeds things up considerably.'

"He keeps reissuing everything I take issue with."

"Why can’t this count as ‘date night’?"

"It's nothing, go back to sleep. I was just getting a DNA sample."

"How much is this going to cost me?"

'Typical bloody man, you've no idea what loyalty means...it's just self, self...self!'

"That's for staying married for thirty-five years to a difficult woman."

'We were so attracted to each other - now we're just poles apart'

'Your wife says you were married for 50 years and now you want to communicate?'

"Can I call you back, I'm engaged in crisis talks."

"Whose turn is it to be happy?"

'It's always about you isn't it, George? Wouldn't you like to hear about the terrible day I've had for a change?'

"You forgot to say ‘and they lived happily ever after.'"

'My wife doesn't understand me.'

'The marriage counselor didn't save our marriage. The plumber and the second bathroom saved our marriage.'

'The only reason she keeps me is to rub out her bed wrinkles.'

'Dear Henry, and dear Liza, for the sake of the relationship, just buy a new bucket!'

"It's as though everything nice about you had been just some kind of introductory offer."

"Your apology rings hollow. Let's try it again, without the attitude."

"He doesn't have a single redeeming quality, he's just disrupting and awful and repulsive, and he has no consideration for other people's feelings."

Marriage counselor: 'It's not cheating when I get a second opinion after she calls me a lousy lover!'

'... And she's always putting words into my mouth.'

"Our marriage counselor would be so proud of us now."

'I'm sorry your wife doesn't understand you and yes, I'll be happy to see you sometime. Bring your wife along. I'm a marriage counselor.'

'When I said 'Show her a loving husband', Mr Jones, I didn't mean a picture of your friend Wally.'

'You told me I should run the house like a business, so what am I bid for dinner?'

Bridegroom jumps in the hands of his bride after seeing a mouse

'And do you,take Kevin to be your lawful wedded husband for three years or 50,000 miles?'

"Daddy, I know you gave me away, but can you take me back?"