Marriage Mender Gifts

'He said I'm a horse's ass.'

"Your apology rings hollow. Let's try it again, without the attitude."

Couples' therapy

"This is my last visit, Martha. I got the marriage posthumously annulled."

'The marriage counselor didn't save our marriage. The plumber and the second bathroom saved our marriage.'

'My wife doesn't understand me.'

'Well, looking back I suppose it's been going on for quite some time, but I only noticed we were drifting apart during the last fifty million years...'

'We were so attracted to each other - now we're just poles apart'

"I understand there are side effects associated with this new female libido pill, but I', willing to take those risks if it will save my marriage..."

"Our marriage counselor would be so proud of us now."

"Please excuse my appearance, but I don't have anywhere to wash and shave since my wife threw me out."

"He keeps reissuing everything I take issue with."

"See what I mean? I told you he was obnoxious!"

"In heaven there's perfect harmony, even if you're still married."

'Great therapy!'

"When I said don't ring me at home, that didn't mean you could ring me at the office..."

"So, how are we doing with our trust issues?"

'He thinks our marriage is undemocratic.'

"It's easy to blame your husband when he's not here to defend himself."

'Now what brings you lovely people here?'

'I never realized we were incompatible unitl the night the TV went out.'

"We'll always have couples therapy."

Separate tables, separate beds, separate umbrellas, separate heads.

"Can I call you back, I'm engaged in crisis talks."

'Typical bloody man, you've no idea what loyalty means...it's just self, self...self!'

"It's as though everything nice about you had been just some kind of introductory offer."

I can rise from the ashes like a phoenix only so many times!

"The Thomases have a way of fighting with each other that turns out to be very positive for them both."

"OK, fine. Perhaps 'sower of discord in the lower depths of hell' was overstating it."

"And another thing!"

"He doesn't have a single redeeming quality, he's just disrupting and awful and repulsive, and he has no consideration for other people's feelings."

"Whose turn is it to be happy?"

Marriage guidance

'When I said 'Show her a loving husband', Mr Jones, I didn't mean a picture of your friend Wally.'

'I find that a live rhinoceros rather than an invisible elephant speeds things up considerably.'