Marriage Jester Gifts

"I see a girl, I see a marriage, I see her not understanding you, I see a beer belly. Do you want me to go on?"

Relate - man acts the clown to show fun still in marriage

"For God's sake, Edith, I'm trying to read the paper!"

'Did you bring your hard hat? Your wife says you'll need it when you get home.'

man fishing at a dock sees a billboard: Do You Know It's Anniversary

'He goes without saying - usually to the pub' (woman to marriage counselor)

"I don't know what I said to make her pack her bags and leave me..."

"These oaths aren't binding all weekend are they?"

"In bed, you never call out my name any more."

"The autocorrect function is redundant for me. I'm married."

"...Yes, that's all you're getting. We started my diet today."

'He does.'

"No, it's not meant to mean the same as community service."

'You say your wife is an angel? Lucky you! My wife is still alive. . .'

'We can't get a divorce. We haven't paid for our wedding yet.'

"I've been married 20 years and haven't regretted a single day of it. That day was the 30th of January 1995 when my wife went to her sister's for the day."

"Is theirs a happy marriage? Well I know that on every anniversary he insists on a 2 minute silence!"

"Never talk your husband into doing the yard work when he'd rather be fishing."

"That's the divorce singer."

'Of course I'm not fooling around with my secretary, Helen -- my receptionist would kill me!'

'I told you your friends hate me.'

The Ventriloquist - 'Hmm - why do my wife's lips move while I'm talking?'

'I'm married to my job, and now it wants a trial separation!'

'Hi, I'm Linda, and this is my husband Jack. He's been having trouble keeping his penis to himself.'

'I bet your Sunday mornings are different now you're married,eh Sam!'

'Because you told me to run the house like a business.'

BUS, 'Why, Bixby -- I didn't know you were married.'

'Married? Why,yes-thirty five times actually!'

"We've only been married three years and she's already giving me gbh of the ear 'oles."

'My husband was sensitive, caring and understanding. It drove me nuts!'

'No, sir - you LOSE them...we FIND them.'

'I do, but no promises.'

Things you did wrong today...

'Cheers, it's worth the domestic hassle.'

"I was just surprised you put the word 'marriage' next to the question asking if you suffered from a chronic condition."