Marriage Counselor Fan Pillows

'I buy you a book to help our marriage, and what do you do? You eat it.'

"Yes, this is exactly how wars start—because of someone's insensitivity!"

Husband apologising for losing his temper.

Man sleeps instead of reading 'The Art of Listening.'

'Sharing the same skin-type is fine. But, as a basis for a stable marriage...'

'This chart shows every day you've been a good husband.'

Wife t-shirt; RE, hubby in bar: PENT: 'Oh-oh! My better half1:

'Your wife is so nice, John. No wonder you don't want to divorce her.'

'It'll get better, Vinny - my marriages always have a bad first quarter.'

"I want to divorce, we never talk any more!"

"I thought you were just going to the bathroom?"

"I think my wife is having an affair. She wants sex in the back of my car, but she wants me to drive."

"Have you tried binge-watching a show together?"

"Before you chop off my head, don't you think we should see a counsellor?"

Their marriage in jeopardy, Strawberry Shortcake and Billy Bob Banana Bread seek therapy.

Three gates of hell: marriage counseling, investments, company meetings

'The iceman cometh too soon!'

'Now what brings you lovely people here?'

"I didn't complain, when you crashed the computer."

"We'll always have couples therapy."

'Well, he actually behaved pretty well for the first few minutes of the wedding ceremony....'

'The problem is, she's so damn crabby.'

"We first met on the net. We began to court, but between my foul mouth and Wilson being on the rebound...let's just say it was a long shot, but he pressed, and I was defenseless. Now, we're as 'hoopy' as can be."

"Perhaps later on we can go back to my psychiatrist's office for some couples therapy?"

Too much togetherness can lead to unexpected problems.

"...until death do you a favor."

"Well, you both sleep eighteen hours a day, so try to coordinate this to find a window for some quality time together..."

"I need him to stop think and start listening."

'Come on, you can make it work! You're supposed to be Lovebirds after all...'

'No, I'm the marriage counselor. What you need is the semantics counselor down the hall.'

"OK, fine. Perhaps 'sower of discord in the lower depths of hell' was overstating it."

I want to rip out our lawn and plant a wild meadow. And I want lost of well-mown grass. What do you recommend? Nursery open. Just a sec. I'll check with my dad. No way! Tree's Tree Nursery. I'm not suggesting a marriage counselor!

"I've switched my energy provider, and I switched my broadband provider. Now I want to switch my misery provider."

Wedding disaster #27.

'I find that a live rhinoceros rather than an invisible elephant speeds things up considerably.'