Marketing Genius Gifts

'I don't know what it means, but sales have skyrocketed since I put the 'i' in front of it.'

"Well done, another winner, Haskins."

"You're part of our targeted market."

'Which sounds better: 'now with MORE XZ100' or 'now with LESS XZ100'?'

'They may be affected, contrived, fake, false, mock, phony, pseudo, and simulated, but they are not artificial!'

"It's new and improved because we now have better advertising."

"After years of cartoon rejections, Bill stooped to trying a little shameless product placement."

Two children are running lemonade stands outside their home; one stand is more popular than the other.

"And we are proud to say we only use the freshest artificial ingredients."

"You're a genius, Shaw. This is an idea whose copyright has expired."

"We don't call them 'horns' anymore. They're interactive audio crash deterrent stimulators."

Target your customer.

'Miss Raleigh. I'm studying megatrends. Bring me some megavitamins.'

'This wasn't what I meant by viral marketing...but if you can get it to work.'

Bob thinks his new neighbor may be bad for business.

'The client has asked that you please stop referring to the product as, 'Crappy Crap Crap.'

'Our most successful e-mail campaign was an offer to take customers off our e-mail list.'

"Sales are up 38% since the name change."

Women's sportswear - Sale on paradigm shifts.

"All it takes is a little marketing, Tia Carmen!"

A close shave on the Titanic...

"I've got a great idea! By adding the words "and associates" to my business name, no one will every suspect I'm really just one person with a phone and a web site working out of my bedroom!"

The marketing is out there now. People all know the pizzas are prepared on the premises. So why no customers?

'We now have 28 subscription cards in every issue, but we MUST HAVE MORE!'

A bar selling 'crafty' beer is more popular than a bar selling 'craft' beer.

"Maybe we'd do better if we called ourselves 'baristas'."

Welcome to Elmville "Home of the world's biggest pothole." The mayor sure knows how to make the best of a bad situation!

"Now the first thing you have to do is to get a client's attention."

"We can succeed if our target audience is not made up of rational human beings."

Rudy, I've noticed your upsells have fallen drastically over the last 16 years. More and more, you just give customers what they ask for instead of pushing them to buy a larger cup, an extra cookie, or a 3-minute bathroom pass. That is unacceptable. So I've signed you up for my mandatory "How to Upsell" course and ordered you the reading material. Tuition fees will be deducted from your check. As your first lesson, I've upgraded you from the 2-week course to the 15-day one for just $50 extra. Ve

"Okay, let me come at this question a different way: Does anybody here actually know how to sell anything?"

'I don't get it... Our business model was exactly the same.'

'I think scroll sounds better than 'continuous media,''

'We're really just a mom and pop store...if mom and pop had 600,000 employees.'

'We can't afford advertising like this! That's one page for the drug and two just for the side effects!'