Marital Raconteur Gifts

My wife doesn't understand me - or doesn't that matter?

'Of course you're very dear to me - that meal just cost a fortune.'

Ernie Studios. Hi, Ernie. What movies are you working on? We have a script about astronauts marooned on a planet filed with talking gorillas who are in hard economic times. I think I'll call it "The Apes of Wrath"! We're casting "Reignman." The central character is a savant monarch. And we're filming a movie about a suburban town populated by women with strange, long hair ... It's called "The Stepford Weaves."

'He has your nose and my ears.'

"She just takes things too seriously in our relationship."

“Sweet mother of Marmaduke... no!”

"The boss says he can remember the day I first started...but nothing after that."

"Yes, but you were the defender of the wrong faith."

Barman indicates sick bucket, alongside usual ice bucket, saying to attractive woman: 'That's there in case you hear any particularly bad chat-up lines.'

"I do love you, but I love you as a crimefighter."

"Don't panic, she'll be back. We lock the washroom windows from the outside."

'Here goes the second bottle of champagne... I think it would be fair of You to tell me what are my chances so I know whether to order another bottle or not...'

"At least you don't have a needy husband and an angry dog."

Harbaugh bragging rights 2043...

"I had half a date last weekend."

"Although the estate will be distributed equally, your father wanted you all to know that Keith was his favorite, followed by..."

'How many husbands have I had? Do you mean excluding my own?'

'oh...You're home, just when my spirits were rising.'

'Women, can't live with 'em, can't live without em.'

'So is this your lazy days of summer, or are we still working on spring?'

"I'll need a three iron."

'I guess I shouldn't have expected too much. Martin was a floor model.'

'If she can't speak yet, how do you know her name is Jennifer?'

She always said that Harold hogged the covers. Mildred Sims. Harold Sims.

'With me and Dave it was definitely love at first sight. How about you two?'

"You've been really interesting ever since we got through your origin story."

How was your week on the lake? Twig fell in lo-love! Oh, tell me! Why did I say that? Now I'll never find out anything. Relax, momster. $20 and I can provide a full background report. Done! Boys are so communicative!

Social butterfly

"That's the man, Officer. That's Mr. Right!"

'Would you like to come over to my place and see a video of my first marriage?'

Oscar Wilde

"So when you said you were a bee keeper..."

'That's a coincidence -- your wife was in yesterday, saying you're out to get HER.'

'Even women talk about the one that got away'

'Continue to support sex education in the schools if you want to, but Billy just told me that he resulted when your sperm met my omelet.'