Marital Raconteur Pillows

My wife doesn't understand me - or doesn't that matter?

'Of course you're very dear to me - that meal just cost a fortune.'

'He has your nose and my ears.'

"She just takes things too seriously in our relationship."

“Sweet mother of Marmaduke... no!”

"The boss says he can remember the day I first started...but nothing after that."

"Yes, but you were the defender of the wrong faith."

"I do love you, but I love you as a crimefighter."

Barman indicates sick bucket, alongside usual ice bucket, saying to attractive woman: 'That's there in case you hear any particularly bad chat-up lines.'

"Don't panic, she'll be back. We lock the washroom windows from the outside."

"At least you don't have a needy husband and an angry dog."

'Here goes the second bottle of champagne... I think it would be fair of You to tell me what are my chances so I know whether to order another bottle or not...'

"I had half a date last weekend."

"Although the estate will be distributed equally, your father wanted you all to know that Keith was his favorite, followed by..."

"I'll need a three iron."

'How many husbands have I had? Do you mean excluding my own?'

'Women, can't live with 'em, can't live without em.'

'So is this your lazy days of summer, or are we still working on spring?'

'oh...You're home, just when my spirits were rising.'

'I guess I shouldn't have expected too much. Martin was a floor model.'

'If she can't speak yet, how do you know her name is Jennifer?'

'With me and Dave it was definitely love at first sight. How about you two?'

Social butterfly

"That's the man, Officer. That's Mr. Right!"

'Would you like to come over to my place and see a video of my first marriage?'

"You've been really interesting ever since we got through your origin story."

Oscar Wilde

'That's a coincidence -- your wife was in yesterday, saying you're out to get HER.'

"So when you said you were a bee keeper..."

'Even women talk about the one that got away'

"The lack of perspective kills me..."

'Continue to support sex education in the schools if you want to, but Billy just told me that he resulted when your sperm met my omelet.'