Marriage Raconteur Pillows

Somebody called Barb a cow. But, was it Howard, or the evil twin growing out of his back?

'Of course you're very dear to me - that meal just cost a fortune.'

'He has your nose and my ears.'

“Sweet mother of Marmaduke... no!”

"She just takes things too seriously in our relationship."

"The boss says he can remember the day I first started...but nothing after that."

"Yes, but you were the defender of the wrong faith."

Road rage on a mobility scooter.

Barman indicates sick bucket, alongside usual ice bucket, saying to attractive woman: 'That's there in case you hear any particularly bad chat-up lines.'

"I do love you, but I love you as a crimefighter."

"Don't panic, she'll be back. We lock the washroom windows from the outside."

"I had half a date last weekend."

'Here goes the second bottle of champagne... I think it would be fair of You to tell me what are my chances so I know whether to order another bottle or not...'

"At least you don't have a needy husband and an angry dog."

"Although the estate will be distributed equally, your father wanted you all to know that Keith was his favorite, followed by..."

'Women, can't live with 'em, can't live without em.'

'How many husbands have I had? Do you mean excluding my own?'

'I guess I shouldn't have expected too much. Martin was a floor model.'

Dad said that if he's paying for the wedding, he's entitled to a little something.

'If she can't speak yet, how do you know her name is Jennifer?'

"That's the man, Officer. That's Mr. Right!"

'Would you like to come over to my place and see a video of my first marriage?'

"You've been really interesting ever since we got through your origin story."

'With me and Dave it was definitely love at first sight. How about you two?'

Social butterfly

Oscar Wilde

"So when you said you were a bee keeper..."

'That's a coincidence -- your wife was in yesterday, saying you're out to get HER.'

"Great, but how is he in bed?"

"The lack of perspective kills me..."

'Even women talk about the one that got away'

"You misinterpreted the news. I've simply had a terrific autumn."