Marital Pun Enthusiast Pillows

"I now pronounce you guilty."

It's not because I'm nervous. The reason I'm not eating is because I really do have butterflies in my stomach.

"It started with a mutual interest in martial arts and developed into an interest in marital arts."

'Well, he actually behaved pretty well for the first few minutes of the wedding ceremony....'

Try Mediation

"The yellow spotted green bird, eats its body weight in bugs, and mates once every three years."

'Wait a minute - How do we break a tie?'

Peach flirting with a banana.

"I'm dating a lunar astronaut!"

"Yes, I've made three resolutions - not to drink less, not to stop watching football on telly and not to spend more time at your mother's."

"I'm sorry, Arthur. I've decided to secede from our marriage."

'Looks like the Wentworths are still on the outs.'

'In sickness and in health, under affordable health care or unaffordable. . .'

"You always said nothing would ever come between us."

'My wife says not to worry. She's convinced she can get me out of here with coupons.'

"It's about time you finished the wall, Herbet...that's your problem, you never finish anything you start!"

'It started with between-meal snacks -- now he's having between-snack noshes.'

'You tell me you're a sexual athlete and your first time at bat you strike out!'

"Hang on, I'll get him for you."

"What do you mean I never take you anywhere? We're here, aren't we?"

"No heroic measures."

"Happy anniversary, dear. How about a second honeymoon?" "Sure. Who with?"

'My wife likes it when I help out in the kitchen.'

'As your solicitor I must ask you to consider divorce an option of last resort. We could mount a drone strike against your husband at a fraction of the cost.'

"Do you have any marriage bread?"

'Looks like the doctor confirmed my diagnosis. It's not just your bowel. Everything about you is irritable.'

"I figured you'd end up looking like that."

"I now pronounce you a joint return."

"Yes, we know them. We like them, but we're not crazy about, you know, the other him."

'We can't get a divorce... we haven't paid for the wedding.'

'Not that insect, silly! That's my husband.'

"And they all said, twenty five years ago, that our trial seperation wouldn't last!!"

"Would it kill you to help around the house for once?!"

"... and don't forget to clean out the garage and attic... and the gutters need to be..." "Put a sock in it, Sally. You knew I wasn't an eager beaver when you married me."

'You were nagging your husband all over the road. I'll need to see your marriage license.'