Marital Crisis Navigators Pillows

'For marital status, I put down horrible. It should improve if I get the job.'

"In lieu of a pre-nup we decided just to label everything."

'...In functionality and in dysfunctionality....'

"Is this what I want to be doing with my death?"

Middle-aged guy spots an available convertible. The mating ritual begins.

This is forever... till death do us part...

"Oh look—he fell asleep when you told me about your day."

"Helen, I have decided to seek a change of venue, since it has grown increasingly obvious that I can no longer get a fair trial in this household."

"Honey, this is serious, we need to text."

'Have you two taken the COSMO 'compatibility test'?'

'Keep pumping Mildred.'

"I'm so sorry that I screamed...I had a terrible dream: the kids had to leave college and live with us again...Oh, Ed, it was horrible!"

"Why do I feel like your mother is going to blame this on my cleaning?"

'Do you take this annoying woman to be your lawful wedded wife?'

Try not to worry.

"Uh-oh. The so-called marriage penalty."

"Do you, Amanda and John, promise to watch yourselves, mind your Ps and Qs, and generally step on eggshells in this marriage, in order to somehow keep it up and running for as long as possible?"

"No, Phil, I'm not grateful that we finally have some time alone."

My wife is the inspiration behind the light speed spaceship - the longer I'm married, the more I want to be the first human who lives on Mars.

'He's not the man I married. In fact, none of them are.'

"Give me something that shows I'm hip AND fiscally responsible."

KEEP YOUR FRIENDS CLOSE AND YOUR ENEMIES CLOSER, 'That kind of thinking leads to marriage.'

'I'm sorry but I need my own space.'

"Let's split up the jobs for taking care of the baby. I'll take care of what goes in to him. . . you take care of what goes out!"

"Thanks for that."

Oh silly me, I'm trying to fix my glasses with nasal spray instead of super glue!

"This isn't working out - I'm an earthworm and you're a....are you even listening to me?"

"It's not all your fault, some of it is my mother's!"

"Once we're all vaccinated, will you still want to spend every waking moment together?"

'Everyone does divorces, Mrs.Dawson.'

'I have rather a full schedule today. Could you summarize your grievances of the past 48 years?'

'We tried marriage your way and it didn't work. Now it's my way!'

"Life’s become pretty easy lately. Perhaps it’s time we shake things up by adding a dependent."

'Last week I got a lovely watch for my wife!'

"I don't understand... I've scientifically proven that you were wrong. How can you still be mad at me?"