Marital Crisis Navigators Pillows

'For marital status, I put down horrible. It should improve if I get the job.'

"In lieu of a pre-nup we decided just to label everything."

'...In functionality and in dysfunctionality....'

"Is this what I want to be doing with my death?"

Middle-aged guy spots an available convertible. The mating ritual begins.

"Oh look—he fell asleep when you told me about your day."

This is forever... till death do us part...

"Helen, I have decided to seek a change of venue, since it has grown increasingly obvious that I can no longer get a fair trial in this household."

"Honey, this is serious, we need to text."

'Keep pumping Mildred.'

"Why do I feel like your mother is going to blame this on my cleaning?"

'Do you take this annoying woman to be your lawful wedded wife?'

"I'm so sorry that I screamed...I had a terrible dream: the kids had to leave college and live with us again...Oh, Ed, it was horrible!"

Try not to worry.

"Uh-oh. The so-called marriage penalty."

"Thanks for that."

'I'm sorry but I need my own space.'

My wife is the inspiration behind the light speed spaceship - the longer I'm married, the more I want to be the first human who lives on Mars.

"No, Phil, I'm not grateful that we finally have some time alone."

"Give me something that shows I'm hip AND fiscally responsible."

KEEP YOUR FRIENDS CLOSE AND YOUR ENEMIES CLOSER, 'That kind of thinking leads to marriage.'

'He's not the man I married. In fact, none of them are.'

"Do you, Amanda and John, promise to watch yourselves, mind your Ps and Qs, and generally step on eggshells in this marriage, in order to somehow keep it up and running for as long as possible?"

"Let's split up the jobs for taking care of the baby. I'll take care of what goes in to him. . . you take care of what goes out!"

Oh silly me, I'm trying to fix my glasses with nasal spray instead of super glue!

"It's not all your fault, some of it is my mother's!"

"Once we're all vaccinated, will you still want to spend every waking moment together?"

Cyber Fight

'Everyone does divorces, Mrs.Dawson.'

'We tried marriage your way and it didn't work. Now it's my way!'

'We blow hot and cold. He argues it's too hot and I say it's too cold.'

"Life’s become pretty easy lately. Perhaps it’s time we shake things up by adding a dependent."

"I don't understand... I've scientifically proven that you were wrong. How can you still be mad at me?"