Manuscript Submission Gifts

'As is the fashion these days, it's about nothing.'

"Bah, I could've written a better dénouement in my sleep."

"Your hunch was right, Officer Garcia. We'll need a good editor to clean up this manuscript and bring his unfinished novel to a satisfying conclusion."

"Oh great, the printer is down."

"It's about the murder of an editor who refuses to publish a writer's work..."

"For just one monkey in front of one typewriter you've come up with some amazing stuff."

"Drop everything, Dominic. I need you to proof this for blasphemy."

"Moby Richard by Herman Melville" "Wonderful! Not sure about the title—let's discuss editor."

"By God, for a minute there it suddenly all made sense!"

'You can't reject my manuscript without due process!'

"There's the pressure from my public, naturally, as well as the pressure from my publisher, my agent, and all that. But the real pressure comes from that devil inside that makes me different from other men, that makes me a writer. But, of course, you know all about pressure, grinding out those papers at Sarah Lawrence."

I'll be honest, Jerry - When you invited me to join your book club, this is not what I expected.

"Remorse sits in my stomach like a piece of stale bread. How does that sound?"

'Thank god for the spellchecker!'

Publisher to writer: 'It was a great read, except I collided with run-on sentences, tripped over broken English and got knocked about by a dangling participle.'

"We do not usually acknowledge unsolicited manuscripts, but we want you to know that we tore yours into tiny pieces. Yours sincerely, The Op-Ed Page."

Man has thrown his computer aside and is writing on a typewriter.

Colin kept a notebook by his bed to write down any ideas he had during the night... "Genulph hyu donkey slapperthwaite."

Proceedings of the club

"I just want to say thanks for getting me into this writing group."

Rubbish, Poppycock, Balderdash

"We're still pretty far apart. I'm looking for a six-figure advance and they're refusing to read the manuscript."

"They have a wonderful author-editor relationship."

Hope you're still writing that novel!

"Here it is - my novel. I'll be interested to hear your compliments."

'It's not enough that you want to publish it, you must beg for it.'

'I'll say one thing about your manuscript, Mr.Jackson - it's very shreddable.'

"It needs a lot of editing."

'Your book has a wonderful, timely quality. We're putting it on our list for a 2009 release.'

'It's very nice, dear, but it's still not as lovely as a tree.'

"For goodness sake brother. Haven't you finished that note to the milkman yet?"

Are you printing your own book? No, it's my mailing to agents!

'Your book will definitely be a best seller; it just needs a complete new set of words.'

'These days my approach is to start with the Booker Prize acceptance speech and work backwards...'

"My daddy doesn't have a real job...he's a writer!"