Manuscript Completion Gifts

'Your book has a wonderful, timely quality. We're putting it on our list for a 2009 release.'

"Bah, I could've written a better dénouement in my sleep."

"Your hunch was right, Officer Garcia. We'll need a good editor to clean up this manuscript and bring his unfinished novel to a satisfying conclusion."

"Oh great, the printer is down."

"It's about the murder of an editor who refuses to publish a writer's work..."

"For just one monkey in front of one typewriter you've come up with some amazing stuff."

"Drop everything, Dominic. I need you to proof this for blasphemy."

"Moby Richard by Herman Melville" "Wonderful! Not sure about the title—let's discuss editor."

"By God, for a minute there it suddenly all made sense!"

Editor.

'You can't reject my manuscript without due process!'

"There's the pressure from my public, naturally, as well as the pressure from my publisher, my agent, and all that. But the real pressure comes from that devil inside that makes me different from other men, that makes me a writer. But, of course, you know all about pressure, grinding out those papers at Sarah Lawrence."

'Thank god for the spellchecker!'

"Remorse sits in my stomach like a piece of stale bread. How does that sound?"

Publisher to writer: 'It was a great read, except I collided with run-on sentences, tripped over broken English and got knocked about by a dangling participle.'

"We do not usually acknowledge unsolicited manuscripts, but we want you to know that we tore yours into tiny pieces. Yours sincerely, The Op-Ed Page."

Man has thrown his computer aside and is writing on a typewriter.

"Your book stinks—we want to publish it."

Colin kept a notebook by his bed to write down any ideas he had during the night... "Genulph hyu donkey slapperthwaite."

A monk illustrates a manuscript with emojis

Rubbish, Poppycock, Balderdash

"We'll publish your book, doctor, but we'll have to get a second opinion."

'As is the fashion these days, it's about nothing.'

Proceedings of the club

'Look on it as... constructive criticism.'

'Your new book is full of mistakes: the critics will have a field day.'

"I just want to say thanks for getting me into this writing group."

"We're still pretty far apart. I'm looking for a six-figure advance and they're refusing to read the manuscript."

"Right here is where you lost the narrative flow."

'You will write a book, but it won't be on Oprah's recommended list.'

Hope you're still writing that novel!

"Here it is - my novel. I'll be interested to hear your compliments."

"It doesn't work as a novel. But we're willing to publish it as a desk calendar."

Monk Mistake