Manuscript Muncher Gifts

'Your manuscript was delicious.'

"Bah, I could've written a better dénouement in my sleep."

"Do me next."

Gaston's Gourmet Truckstop

"For just one monkey in front of one typewriter you've come up with some amazing stuff."

"It's about the murder of an editor who refuses to publish a writer's work..."

"Moby Richard by Herman Melville" "Wonderful! Not sure about the title—let's discuss editor."

"By God, for a minute there it suddenly all made sense!"

'You can't reject my manuscript without due process!'

'Thank god for the spellchecker!'

"There's the pressure from my public, naturally, as well as the pressure from my publisher, my agent, and all that. But the real pressure comes from that devil inside that makes me different from other men, that makes me a writer. But, of course, you know all about pressure, grinding out those papers at Sarah Lawrence."

"Can you rewrite this in 3-D?"

Publisher to writer: 'It was a great read, except I collided with run-on sentences, tripped over broken English and got knocked about by a dangling participle.'

"We do not usually acknowledge unsolicited manuscripts, but we want you to know that we tore yours into tiny pieces. Yours sincerely, The Op-Ed Page."

Alphabet soup

"No wonder you can't write, you're not plugged in!"

"I just spoon-fed the media a pound of really old salmon."

"I'm in here, rereading the great poets, myself among them."

'It's a slice of life...I cut a long story short.'

"Like you, I'm a bit of a glutton, but I need to monitor my food intake otherwise I could be too heavy to fly..."

"Here it is - my novel. I'll be interested to hear your compliments."

'It's not enough that you want to publish it, you must beg for it.'

"They're sound bites."

"Garbage in, great books out."

"It needs a lot of editing."

"Constructive criticism? It says I can't write my way out of a paper bag, and you call it constructive criticism."

'Any more napkins, Hon? Annie's got cone leakage.'

"For goodness sake brother. Haven't you finished that note to the milkman yet?"

Are you printing your own book? No, it's my mailing to agents!

'Your book will definitely be a best seller; it just needs a complete new set of words.'

"The quality of the writing is an embarrassment, it has no style, no fluency, no soul!"

Tomb of the unpublished author.

"My daddy doesn't have a real job...he's a writer!"

Watch the author miss his deadline 4 to 7

"I read your manuscript with interest."