Manicure Gifts

'Oh! Oh! I think I broke a fingernail!'

"Your nails look much better. But that wasn't why I gave you the file."

Woman files God's nails.

What're you doing today, Darlene? Power relaxing. 9 to 10:15 I'm reading the paper. 10:20 to 11:30 I'm getting my nails done while reading Catch 22 for my books club. 11:45 to 1, I'm eating lunch, catching up on calls, paying bills then kicking back on the couch from 1 to 1:15. The afternoon is sheer bliss. Yoga from 2-3, Pilates from 3-4, massage from 4-5, meditation 5-6. Now move. Please now! You're interfering with my relaxing. How the type-A spend their Sundays. 10:02, bathroom break. Everyo

'Women love their nails, so next time she suggests you get fixed, tell her only if she gets declawed.'

'I think your 10 o' clock appointment's arrived.'

'It's annoying: With all this digging, I always have dirty or broken fingernails...'

Sorry, I can't do your typing, I'm doing my filing."

"I groom all day and still look like a baboon."

The adoration of the gels.

"Honey, do these sweatpants make me look like I prefer we stay in tonight so I can watch the game?"

The difference between cosmology and cosmetology.

"Can you make wishes on fake eyelashes?"

"Can you make me look like Wolverine?"

Life Store Guide: Make-up and jewellery

'The siege is working my lord. They have food and water but no beard oil. I reckon they will surrender in 12 hours or less'

"Too much concealer?"

"Whoa. Jeff. Looks like you got that job at the cosmetic testing lab."

'Be ready in a minute - just have to put on my face.'

For heavens sake,put some make-up on!

Emergency numbers on a telephone.

'I ask her to make up her mind. So she powders her forehead.'

"I don't like your application."

"It's called, 'Goth'."

A new you. 'First, you've got to stop lying about you age.' It didn't start off well.

Only then, did Medusa realise her mistake.

'Maybe I should get a shopping cart.'

Why weren't we born rich instead of beautiful?

"Where are my eyelashes?"

"I feel bad for the companies that make lipstick."

Have you got your make up on yet?

'Ok. Now I'm sexy.'

"Who's a pretty girl now?"

'I'm not begging, I've just painted my claws.'

'Don't all look at me like that! What did you expect the face pack to do for me?'