Maniacal Mastermind Pillows

"Gabe's in the Guitar Hero program at Juilliard."

"All my stuff is 'Rosebud'."

Implement operation 'KILL ALL PLUMBERS'!

'Our financial troubles are over, Edna. The fellas and I have formed a boy band.'

'Done! We're now on Santa's 'nice' list.'

"Hey Neil, I've got an idea - let's really freak everyone out and tell them you're quitting physics to become my new co-Pope."

A Lesson in Leadership: Misplacing your keys isn't a problem, unless you have to enlist the whole school's support to find them.

'Maybe I should abandon my crew and keep all the treasure for myself!'

Larry, working on the great American stick-up note.

'The curious incident of the dig in the night-gown.'

Elevator dilemma.

'To err is human. To really mess up, we've got to do some planning.'

'Are you gonna answer that?'

Commercial music

Book sections, 'crime' and 'master crime'.

'I told you not to do that. Now put it back.'

"I swear! As soon as she saw me, she jumped onto a chair and started screaming! It was hilarious..."

"To save time, Dr. Nuclear, we ask that you stop following every correct answer with a bout of maniacal laughter."

"How about this? The story of a little reindeer whose exclusion from reindeer games led to the study of math and science, enabling him to develop levitation tech and thus eliminate the need for flying reindeers, thereby consigning his early tormentors to

'I've been a burglar, a blackmailer, a mugger, and an armed robber, but by gosh I've never been a LAWYER!'

"There's good news and bad news. The good news is, I've made a generous contribution to your leaving present."

'I got to get home quick to hack the principal's email to my dad.'

"They say you're good with forgeries?"

'Three iron.'

"I have mess recognition. I show my messy room and my phone knows it has to be me."

'Looked fine with one head. Besides, two heads are better than one is such a cliche.'

'We lucked out and drew a liberal judge -- I'll see if you can write a term paper for extra credit.'

"Finish your homework first, then you can hack into Trump's tax returns."

"It reminds me of the time I hired a 17-year-old nerd to track down a spammer’s true IP address, name, birthdate, and bank account number… …and shipped the spammer two tons of manure purchased with his entire life savings. Excellent question. I get letters like this all the time ever since I publicly announced my email address. It cost me a vinyl record, a mountain dew and a crate of cheetos, but was worth it."

"Idiot! Who leaves a tip?!"