Managerial Critic Gifts

"Don't tell me you're not hungover, it's nine a.m. and you just clocked out."

"Look, it's the managerial merry-go-round!"

'Do you think, perhaps, that we could start shooting for a few longer-term goals around here?'

'That's our mission statement.'

'No, it's not really good - that's our lawsuits-to-earnings ratio.'

"The new chairman has dropped the brain-storming meetings."

"Would anyone like to question my downsizing proposal?"

'We've just become the biggest corporation in America.. let's celebrate today and begin downsizing tomorrow.'

"Well, either you're hopelessly optimistic or hopelessly short-sighted."

'An exxpert team set up a team of special consultants, that then set up a committee whose members asked their 7 year old kids. Now 14 months later they've concluded we're not efficient enough.'

'Our problem is how to lower quality while raising prices...'

'I really wish you guys would knock that off.'

"In a further effort to increase profits, control costs and satisfy shareholders, we've decided to steal stuff."

'I give this one about three months...'

"We offer a generous flex time policy - you can work your 90 hours per week any way you'd like."

XYZ Inc, putting a folksy, human face on unfettered corporate greed for over 50 years.

Stock market investment advice

"‘Click’, you have reached the White House, press 1 for shameless groveling, 2 for presidential pardons, and please have your credit card details ready..."

Desk plaque: 'P. Burnside, Upper-Echelon Nincompoop'

"The Supreme Court says a corporation is a 'person?' Well, have you ever tried to take a corporation out for a nice, friendly beer?"

'If you have nothing to do don't come round here and do it.'

"Repeat after me: We are delivering the proactive core value promises and rolling out our real time best practice action plan going forward ..."

'Sorry, I can't give you a raise. However, I can offer you a splendid opportunity to share the profits.'

"Brandon isn't adapting well to the open office concept."

Suggestions box in a toilet.

"Progress is going around in the same circle...but faster."

"I think he's overreacting a little when it comes to controlling his employees."

You can fool some of the people all of the time - "Send in some of the people, Dorothy."

"When we changed the company name, the stocks went through the roof!"

Office temperature.

Someone needs to tell him that having Churchillian leadership skills requires more than a 10'' havana

"Openness and transparency are a big part of our corporate mythos."

'The question is - to what level of data do we wish to stoop.'