Management Humorist Gifts

Suggestion Box/Fingerprint Kit

Dynamic decision makers - Will probably be back in an hour or so.

'If I had to use one word to describe our strategy.'

A flock of sheep's thoughts on their sheepdog.

'Will you stop saying 'we're all in the same boat, now let's make sure we're all rowing in the same direction.''

Manager's course: 'After lunch is, 'The art of looking busy'.'

'Nothing has come to my attention today and I want to know why.'

'I know it's a lot of money but we can't avoid it any longer.'

Regional manager Dan Blunquist introduces a disgruntled employee to his new open-door policy.

"Openness and transparency are a big part of our corporate mythos."

'Looking for a lateral hire who can boost pep by 45 and increase turnover by 75 is optimistic...to expect them to turn you into a 'rock god' and fantasy figure for women under 30 as well may be a stretch to far.'

"Was delegation the only thing you learnt on that management course?"

"We can't offer you a golden parachute, however we do provide a very attractive escape hatch."

"By a slim margin, the board of directors voted to wish you a speedy recovery."

"Sorry, Higgins, but you are a luxury I can no longer afford."

'Actually minister it doesn't really matter WHAT you say as long as you include a combination of the words 'choice', 'empowerment' and 'client focussed'.'

"Mumford! I thought you were killed instantly."

"Dear Diary, again it happened. He walked slowly past me and said 'Keep up the good work'. . ."

'I hope you're not threatened by powerful women, because you're fired.'

'Williams, we're not used to receiving such excellent ideas as these, so we'd like to tone them down a bit.'

'We invest so much money in training staff...it's a mystery to me why businesses would risk losing them.'

'You could be a constant inspiration for us to come up with a plan to get a leg up on our competition...you're hired!'

"Actually, she's just a figurehead boss. Our real CEO is an algorithm floating around somewhere in the cloud!"

'Whoever said 'The only thing we have to fear is fear itself' never had a room full of angry shareholders.'

"In recognition of last month's little upward blip, I suggest we allow ourselves a spontaneous victory fist bump."

"How's everybody doing? I'm not boring you, am I?"

"So, we look to the fourth quarter as a time of healing."

"They decided giving out pink slips was too impersonal. So now they're blue."

'It's a deal, lets sniff bottoms!'

Can't Do the Math/Won't Do the Math.

'It has come to my attention that we need to hedge against our five-year plan.'

"Obviously some people here don't appreciate the gravity of our situation."

"This report is mumbo jumbo...I asked for gobbledeeegook!"

"The trend in tough economic times is to put off everything that doesn't require immediate action ? as this chart shows."

"Any questions?"