Management Humorists Gifts

Micromanage / Nanomanage

'I hope you're not threatened by powerful women, because you're fired.'

'If I had to use one word to describe our strategy.'

'We invest so much money in training staff...it's a mystery to me why businesses would risk losing them.'

"So, we look to the fourth quarter as a time of healing."

"They decided giving out pink slips was too impersonal. So now they're blue."

'It's a deal, lets sniff bottoms!'

"This report is mumbo jumbo...I asked for gobbledeeegook!"

"Any questions?"

"We're looking for that perfect blend of vision, ambition and ethical ambiguity."

Satya Nutella

"Delegating authority is good. Delegating blame is better."

"Who gave you permission to ask for a raise?"

"We're pleased to announce that your company has shrewdly traded a cow for some magic beans." some ma

"Leadership is all about knowing who to delegate responsibility for all your mistakes."

"On the plus side, I finally have a key to the executive washroom."

'Gentlemen, I've been authorized to sweeten the offer.'

'...and so you see our profits, not unlike Sir Isaac Newton, have felt the effects of gravity.'

"In the event of an actual S.E.C. investigation, legal representation will drop from the ceiling."

"You can all unroll yourselves now. We're heading back up."

'We earn extra money by renting out your office at night.'

"What if, instead of the safe being filled with rawhide, it's filled with catnip and mice!" "No one will buy it." "Drugs and rodents? Who's our demographic?" "The Simpsons already did that."

"Hire a cost cutting, bad-guy consultant to turn me into a good guy during the layoffs."

The number one injury in today's workplace: severe bends caused by repeated exposure to deep-dive presentations.

"Wake up Thomas, it's not 2020. There's no Zoom camera to turn off to hide yourself."

"Perhaps this slide whistle can better illustrate what this graph is telling us."

'Ho,ho,ho, but can you be more specific?'

"The anger management consultant said he wasn't going to alter his **** dates at this t****stage which fits in with the 'managing change' consultant who said it was to late to change her plans..."

Not a surprise, coming from the new boss - who looks about 6 years old.

"This resumé has the kind of sizzle we're looking for."

'Yo-you Ma will now raise our spirits and assuage our pain.'

'And finally. . . where do you see yourself on the food chain 5 years from now?'

'Stay with me now, people, because in Step C, things get a bit delicate.'

'Could we finish these negotiations via e-mail? That will allow me to think before I respond to your proposals.'

'Well, I'm not very satisfied with our customers, either.'