Managerial Humorist Gifts

"I hate doing appraisals, it involves thinking about them."

"On the plus side, I finally have a key to the executive washroom."

Not a surprise, coming from the new boss - who looks about 6 years old.

'After sleeping on it, I've decided not to allow power naps.'

"Damn it,Frank,if I can't bully my staff, who can I bully?"

'He likes a room where he can reverberate.'

"Being a CEO is a bit like being a football manager, you get paid a huge amount to be a catastrophic failure, then you get an humongous pile of cash when they make you redundant before you go somewhere else to start over again."

"I'm a big believer in micromanagement."

"The key to leadership is knowing when to fake a headache and go home."

'I hope you're not threatened by powerful women, because you're fired.'

'If I had to use one word to describe our strategy.'

'Williams, we're not used to receiving such excellent ideas as these, so we'd like to tone them down a bit.'

'We invest so much money in training staff...it's a mystery to me why businesses would risk losing them.'

'You could be a constant inspiration for us to come up with a plan to get a leg up on our competition...you're hired!'

"Actually, she's just a figurehead boss. Our real CEO is an algorithm floating around somewhere in the cloud!"

'Whoever said 'The only thing we have to fear is fear itself' never had a room full of angry shareholders.'

"In recognition of last month's little upward blip, I suggest we allow ourselves a spontaneous victory fist bump."

"How's everybody doing? I'm not boring you, am I?"

"So, we look to the fourth quarter as a time of healing."

'It's a deal, lets sniff bottoms!'

Can't Do the Math/Won't Do the Math.

'It has come to my attention that we need to hedge against our five-year plan.'

"Obviously some people here don't appreciate the gravity of our situation."

"This report is mumbo jumbo...I asked for gobbledeeegook!"

"The trend in tough economic times is to put off everything that doesn't require immediate action ? as this chart shows."

"Any questions?"

'Bad news, sir -- there's a leak in our think tank!'

"Who gave you permission to ask for a raise?"

"Delegating authority is good. Delegating blame is better."

"We're pleased to announce that your company has shrewdly traded a cow for some magic beans." some ma

"But don't let my wacky tie fool you. We actually take business very seriously around here."

'Gentlemen, I've been authorized to sweeten the offer.'

"In the event of an actual S.E.C. investigation, legal representation will drop from the ceiling."

'Will you kindly remind the rest of the staff that I'm the managing director - not the Godfather!'

'So do you want me to minute that George is dying of boredom and Nigel will rip my head off if I don't stop boring him with my blather?'