Malpractice Monitor Gifts

'It's just a routine operation, Mr. Bush. No need to have your lawyer present.'

'Today the stock market was moribund, as growth equities sputtered and bonds dipped due to the inverted yield curve. I'd translate that into layman's terms...but they don't pay me enough.'

"Assisting me with this delicate procedure is Dr. Warren. He's one of the top specialists in avoiding malpractice suits."

'Is that guy back again? Hey, if you find that sponge I lost, give a shout.'

"But they told me I was too big to fail."

'As for the tonsillectomy...there was a little mix-up... In other words, you now have cup size D!'

"I forget. If I have an adverse reaction, do I call my doctor or my lawyer?"

'Thanks for leaving that sponge in me, Doc. Now I can drink twice as much wine.'

'Brain surgery, right?'

"I do corporate, divorce, and malpractice, but I'm most familiar with leash laws."

'I hereby sentence you to 15 months in doctors' waiting rooms!'

'Is there something you're not telling me, Doctor?'

'May I remind you that this patient is a very successful lawyer specializing in medical malpractice?'

"I'm going to take your blood pressure, so try to relax and not think about what a high reading might mean for your chances of living a long, healthy life."

'These new electronic tags are fantastic, they really make it possible for managers to keep track.'

'Better check out what Dr. Figowitz is working on these days.'

For temporary relief of symptoms due to cold or flu. May cause drowsiness. Use caution when operating machinery.

'Where is the parcel the delivery guy brought me in the operating room?'

"Yes, our cautiousness may be a bit excessive but we do have the lowest litigation rates in the industry."

Baby throwing cans of food around in supermarket,

"I can't relax. It feels like I'm being watched."

Now 7 days since anybody ate anybody. Let's keep it going!

"It would be so great if, just once, someone didn't waltz in here complaining about something."

"You spoil that child!"

"Don't take time to smell the flowers anymore. The tests show you're allergic to them."

'He can sit there and watch his heart rate monitor for hours.'

'I haven't found anything wrong yet, but it's OK for you to go ahead and worry a bit longer.'

'My insurance company embeds an Attorney.'

In case of poor surgery, break glass for malpractice attorney.

'After examining the evidence, I feel the only place to take your botched vasectomy case is to small claims court.'

'A health report today warned skeptics, who take everything with a grain of salt, could result in abnormal hypertension. . .'

'You can get dressed now - the doctor saw you when you weren't looking.'

"There are two types of cholesterol - the good type, then the one you've got."

"It's a beginner's sewing kit I put together for you. There's scissors, needles, bandaids, gauze, antiseptic. . ."