Malpractice Lawyer Gifts

"I do corporate, divorce, and malpractice, but I'm most familiar with leash laws."

Recruiting litigation lawyers is ALWAYS tricky..my last one took me to court for the emotional and professional damage I caused him by NOT considering him for a position I wasn't asked to fill.

MEDICAL SCHOOL, 'I didn't know you COULD specialize in insurance.'

'After giving a recorded statement to these people, being grilled by 60 Minutes would seem like a piece of cake.'

'Gee!' (doctor looking at x-ray)

"Mr. McMurdo has been called 'guilty as the day is long.' And yet, do not biblical scholars tell us a day can mean many things?"

Lawyer to bad hair lady: 'It's difficult to establish pain and suffering based on a bad hair day.'

"Assisting me with this delicate procedure is Dr. Warren. He's one of the top specialists in avoiding malpractice suits."

"I must protest, M'Lud. Prosecurity counsel is blantantly attempting to wheedle the truth from the accused."

"I give up. Where's the patient?'

'What do lawyers really want, Mr. Montague?'

'Is that guy back again? Hey, if you find that sponge I lost, give a shout.'

"Once again, I simply don't recall."

"I should have been a lawyer. I'm great at ambulance chasing!"

'As for the tonsillectomy...there was a little mix-up... In other words, you now have cup size D!'

"In my client's defence, the label on the bottle clearly read, 'rat poison'...not 'people poison'."

"I forget. If I have an adverse reaction, do I call my doctor or my lawyer?"

"That's right, think of yourself all the time! I'm the one who will be losing a client for the next twenty years."

'Thanks for leaving that sponge in me, Doc. Now I can drink twice as much wine.'

'I'd say you have a water-tight case there, boys.'

"You are hereby sentenced to one year of swimming with the people."

'Brain surgery, right?'

Closing arguments.

"And today if the prosecutor says 'Liar, liar, pants on fire,' do not turn around to check."

'Have you found a precedent? Yes, you did the same crime in 1974.'

Snowman about snowman fallen on ice: 'Obviously they would have had time to clear the ice.'

"I charge by the grain."

'You didn't 'win' anything, just declared not guilty.'

Sports Lawyers

'I accept that a dog can be a man's best friend but I'm afraid that doesn't qualify you to speak on the defendant's behalf...'

"Never lie to your attorney, Brad. If any lies need to be told I'll tell them."

"Oh sure, some random monster runs amok through the village, and the first person you pull in for questioning is my client!"

"I'm looking for a tie that retracts a statement."

'That is one nasty whiplash!'