Lyricist Humorist Gifts

"I been to CVS, Whole Foods, Duane Reade, Stop & Shop, Safeway, Walgreens, Publix, Star Market, WinCo, Wegman's, Trader Joe's, Post Office..."

"Well, he's definitely pirated that lyric"

'According to our statistics department, 78.93 of the statistics they produce are worthless.'

"You're going to hate yourself."

Open mike night presents Sadie Cohen. Summer's almost over

Indian rajah rowing elephant in a monsoon flood.

Wolf Danny With "Random""The work must be tantamount to mayhem. Making an insatiable public confused, indifferent, annoyed—this is the premise on which rests my deliberately vacuous oeuvre."

"Gee, thanks pal."

"I agree, the place was a tear-down, but I just remembered we were only renting it."

Rejected Titles For The Canadian National Anthem.

"A whack, whack here. A whack, whack there. Here a whack, there a whack. Everywhere a whack, whack."

MUSHROOM MASACRE.

"Eww - that whale's breath smells awful!" "You could use a breath mint yourself, lady!"

The Forbidden Joyce Kilmer

"This cruise is getting a very stern review from me, I can tell you."

"Is it me, or is Jasper Johns a genius?" "Über-genius, Larry. Über!"

"Day 4,261... I don’t know how much longer I can survive. Still no signs of civilization. Food is scarce and I fear the wound on my ankle is infected. Still, all this pales in comparison to the horror of having to be anywhere at any particular time."

"...You talking to me? Well, I'm the only one here... You talking to me?!" "Narcissus De Niro"

Welcome to Mauritius Home of the Dodo Burger

Non-Creative Writing, Also Known as Plagiarism 101.

'Ms Simpson, I believe I've finally done it. I've written the Great American Memo.'

'The next piece contains sex, violence, and Homeric epithets.'

Passed over at the Inaugural Poetry Audition

'I'm no expert, but I think we're a little behind when it comes to the latest industry technology.'

' It's a bit of an anti climax - I've washed it but I can't go any where ! '

'I don't think the employees like me.'

'Mr. Dunbarter, your fantasy that 'greed is good' may be a case of economic insanity.'

"William Blake said you can see the whole world in a grain of sand, but he doesn't always make a lot of sense."

"So, like, don't make any big plans for this weekend."

"That's not a knife crime initiative. That's a knife crime initiative!"

'He doesn't like people walking in - try crawling.'

Local rock claims to have been muse for Emily Dickinson poem "I'm that 'little stone' honest to goodness!"

"I see the White House didn't lower the flag to half staff."

Meet the author - celebrity autobiographies,

"I condensed my painting to the pure essence of the message. What helps me a lot is the fact that I've got nothing to say at all."