Low-calorie Eating Gifts

"The most I'll splurge on my diet is on a boneless, skinless carrot."

'We'll never be able to eat it all before it spoils -- how about a rabbit or something instead?'

'Nowadays we want all our food to be ethically sourced, Personally I'd be happy if it was all chocolated sauced,'

'I realize it's not on the menu but I'm on a diet and I'd like an air fern salad.'

Vegetarian Nightmare.

"Geoffrey's seasonal. I'm regional."

"I can't hurry when ordering. There's a lot of ecological geopolitics involved here."

Eat Locally - All Roadkill From 8-Mile Radius

"Our vegan dishes are the same as what cows eat: Nitrates, Pesticides, Ammonia, Antibiotics..."

"I just found a lacto-vegan restaurant and Janet from accounts says she's FRUITAIAN!"

"I'm putting you on a high fiber low taste diet."

Sawdust.

'Would you like that organic, locally grown, carbon neutral, fair trade, trans fat-free, sugar-free, gluten-free and peanut-free?'

"If you order from our wellness menu, you get a side of yogurt with every dish."

'Most, yes, but they're not all carcinogenic!'

"The insect menu is very popular nowadays."

Aiiiii! Fat! Cholesterol! Food!

'Could I have the traditional Christmas dinner but without meat or dairy and could guarantee it's organic and GM free.'

"One slice—hold the bread."

'It's getting harder every day to make a living at this.'

"Sunday dinner just isn't the same without growth promoters"

"We're making progress."

"Is the parchment in the salmon en papillote humanely raised?"

GMOs

'Hundreds of years of medical progress, and all you can tell me to do is eat less?'

'I'll have the food scare of the day.'

'It's farm-to-table-to-farm dining.'

Healthy Chocolate Co.

'Never mind insecticides - now they think of us as protein.'

'First they shoot at us, then they try to fly like us, now they want to steal our lunch.'

"Is this house gluten-free?"

"Hybrid-battery cows might reduce our methane gas emissions...but good luck trying to get a decent filet mignon out of them."

'Is it local?'