Love Sages Pillows

'This is my wife, Viola, who I've been happily married to for twenty five years.'

"Behold the secret to happiness."

"Don't even interact with him. He just likes to say 'Kalamazoo.'"

"You seem troubled, Pastor. Is anything worrying you...I mean aside from the sins of the world, the vanity of humankind, man's inhumanity to man..."

"He keeps reissuing everything I take issue with."

"What I’ve learned is you have to look deep inside your heart and ask yourself, ‘What is it that she really wants to hear?’"

"Any distinguishing 'PARSONAL' characteristics?"

"Most of the time it's 'Me Tarzan, you Jane', until we get into the bedroom. Then he's all, 'You Tarzan, Me Jane'."

'Oh, yeah? -- Well, my true inner self can whip your true inner self!'

The Plinth Wedding Planner Co.

Is this Randy the Love Doctor? Speaking. What ails you, brother? My wife doesn't have a job. The other night she told me it'd be nice if I helped out a little more at home. So I replied "hey, I don't ask you to come to my place of business and do my job for me." I see. Have you tried the "act like I never said it and wait for her to forget it" routine? Yes, sir. I also, tried the "don't-make-eye-contact-until-she-forgets-it" maneuver. I'm running out of ideas.

Planned Parenthood: Not Tonight Dear. I Have a Headache.

"Pastor, may we share a message with you about humility?"

'Do you mean 'who cares what the meaning of life is,' or that 'who cares' IS the meaning of life?'

"Everytime you touch me, I get frostbite!"

Dating the efficiency expert.

"I don't know whether to love you or leave you - but then that's the reality of arbitrage."

'Let me remind you that any advice you receive is protected by copyright and I retain all rights therein.'

Bishop with a crozier case.

'How am I supposed to meditate with your nose whistling?'

'First, you have to stop treating your husband like a child.'

If you are ringing your coach to ask about your next move then we're finished.

Marriage counselor, living together counselor or a just screwing around counselor.

"No, I don't think our marriage would benefit from a mission statement."

'I still have all my own teeth.'

'By proposing a merger instead of marriage, we can deduct this meal as a business expense.'

Couldn't you have used a smaller font?

"That was a fascinating regression. Apparently, you were a pirate in a previous life!"

Development of disgusting new flaws. Loving acceptance of your flaws.

"I married for contrast."

'Pay no attention, they are a couple of ex husbands.'

Don't let your your evil twin be your wingman when trying to pick up a woman in a bar.

'When you play hard to get you really mean it, don't you?'

How to feel confident in love & war

"Jeez, Alice, at least Google him first."