Marriage Sage Pillows

'He wants a divorce, but I want to fight it out!'

"Don't even interact with him. He just likes to say 'Kalamazoo.'"

"Most of the time it's 'Me Tarzan, you Jane', until we get into the bedroom. Then he's all, 'You Tarzan, Me Jane'."

'Do you have any books on controlling little monsters?'

"Any distinguishing 'PARSONAL' characteristics?"

One way only.

'I can't write cheating songs because my wife's too insecure.'

"I hate 2:00 am feedings."

One can hardly be expected to solve the riddle of existence without a computer

'I'm sorry young lady, but you're not old enough to be free range!'

"Everytime you touch me, I get frostbite!"

"I wish you people would just read the blog."

"Do I look like a wise man to you?"

'I still have all my own teeth.'

"That was a fascinating regression. Apparently, you were a pirate in a previous life!"

"One day, son, all this anxiety will be yours."

"I'm looking for a book on how to raise kids easily, but I can't seem to find it anywhere..."

Development of disgusting new flaws. Loving acceptance of your flaws.

"You're confusing guilt with feelings of remorse. With remorse, you don't need a lawyer."

'I'm afraid my husband will stop loving me as I get older.' - 'Mine would never do that with me. You know why, don't you. He's an antique dealer.'

"Jeez, Alice, at least Google him first."

"Rough year?" (2021 new year baby asking 2020 old year man)

"It's nice of you to say so, Ben, but somehow the idea of 'Shakespeare in the Park' doesn't really appeal to me."

The past only looks good when you're living in the present.

'Wh-h-hatz-u-upp, dude?'

Triple espresso. Forget it, Uncle Mort. Your doctors said no caffeine. I am not your Uncle Mort, I am someone else altogether. Oh yeah? Who are you? I am … Drinkum … Coffeeman … Worthington-Smythe … of the Florida Coffeeman-Worthington-Smythes. You may have heard of us ... we're a family of um ... Troubadours. I, myself, wrote several ballads for the likes of Sinatra, Pat Boone, and Jimi Hendrix. So if I were to Google that right now, Google would confirm that? Google is an abomination!!! One ge

'This is my wife, Viola, who I've been happily married to for twenty five years.'

Liv Ullmann

'Wisdom is the comb that life gives you after you lose your hair!'

'The new teacher in our school is single and cute but he has commitment issues. He's changed his Internet service provider six times.'

Distilleries Association

"I'm turned off by the womanizing."

'How many potatoes to make a bottle of vodka?.'

Online Dating Tip 1: Don't Get Angry

'Oliver's a very sensitive singer-songwriter.'