Longevity Sages Pillows

Willie Nelson's 80th Birthday.

"Remember, if I'm ever on life support unplug me... then plug me back in. See if that works."

"You seem troubled, Pastor. Is anything worrying you...I mean aside from the sins of the world, the vanity of humankind, man's inhumanity to man..."

'If you want to live a long time, try not to do anything that will kill you.'

'I used to spring forward. Now all I can do is fall back.'

'You keep outliving your old-age retirement savings!'

The older I get, the more introspective I get, or is that retrospective?'

'Oh, yeah? -- Well, my true inner self can whip your true inner self!'

"Take a look - that's us in ninety years."

Doctor to Banana: 'Looks like you're going to a ripe old age.'

"Pastor, may we share a message with you about humility?"

'Do you mean 'who cares what the meaning of life is,' or that 'who cares' IS the meaning of life?'

"The doc says I won't even make it another 45 years."

'I have the feeling my expiration date is nearly up.'

Man can levitate but can't hold fingers properly.

"Oh f*ck yes. Let's make these f*ckers live for-f*cking-ever."

Bishop with a crozier case.

"Time heals all wounds. It also kills every living thing."

'How am I supposed to meditate with your nose whistling?'

Win-win. Whenever I hear that from you, I want to hide under the counter. New research shows the only proven way to prolong life is caloric restriction. Eat less, live longer. Introducing our new breakfast meal plan: The Fountain of Youth. You get half a muffin and half a glass of water. Sounds meager. Exactly. That's why we're charging $16. But a full muffin only costs $4. And it won't prolong your life. Can you even put a price on immortality? How much should we charge for an empty plate of ai

'They say ninety is the new eighty.'

'No booze, no red meat, easy on the carbs...I've given up living so I can live longer.'

Couldn't you have used a smaller font?

Look on the bright side, at least we're keeping our heads above water

"That was a fascinating regression. Apparently, you were a pirate in a previous life!"

'I'm afraid my husband will stop loving me as I get older.' - 'Mine would never do that with me. You know why, don't you. He's an antique dealer.'

"You're confusing guilt with feelings of remorse. With remorse, you don't need a lawyer."

'Don't be silly, dear. You don't look a day over one hundred eighty three.'

'These people have terrible attention spans - I'll just bring them ten commandments at a time.'

'All that we learn from history is that we don't learn from history...'

Dr. Ernie answers your questions about aging. A reader asks, "Dear Dr. Ernie, what will deteriorate fastest as I get older?" Medicare.

'This is my wife, Viola, who I've been happily married to for twenty five years.'

"Fountain of youth? No, I'm searching for a cure for natural causes."

If swimming is such a good way to lose weight, how do you explain whales?

'Meaning of life, eh? -- Who wants to know?'