Longevity Sages Gifts

"Remember, if I'm ever on life support unplug me... then plug me back in. See if that works."

'If you want to live a long time, try not to do anything that will kill you.'

"You seem troubled, Pastor. Is anything worrying you...I mean aside from the sins of the world, the vanity of humankind, man's inhumanity to man..."

'I used to spring forward. Now all I can do is fall back.'

'You keep outliving your old-age retirement savings!'

'Oh, yeah? -- Well, my true inner self can whip your true inner self!'

The older I get, the more introspective I get, or is that retrospective?'

"Take a look - that's us in ninety years."

Doctor to Banana: 'Looks like you're going to a ripe old age.'

"Pastor, may we share a message with you about humility?"

'Do you mean 'who cares what the meaning of life is,' or that 'who cares' IS the meaning of life?'

"The doc says I won't even make it another 45 years."

"Oh f*ck yes. Let's make these f*ckers live for-f*cking-ever."

Man can levitate but can't hold fingers properly.

'I have the feeling my expiration date is nearly up.'

Bishop with a crozier case.

"Time heals all wounds. It also kills every living thing."

'How am I supposed to meditate with your nose whistling?'

'They say ninety is the new eighty.'

Look on the bright side, at least we're keeping our heads above water

'No booze, no red meat, easy on the carbs...I've given up living so I can live longer.'

"That was a fascinating regression. Apparently, you were a pirate in a previous life!"

Couldn't you have used a smaller font?

'I'm afraid my husband will stop loving me as I get older.' - 'Mine would never do that with me. You know why, don't you. He's an antique dealer.'

'Don't be silly, dear. You don't look a day over one hundred eighty three.'

"You're confusing guilt with feelings of remorse. With remorse, you don't need a lawyer."

"Hey, that's what everyone thinks about the strategic planning department! I've got a crystal ball and we all study the occult! Hah Hah Hah!..."

'These people have terrible attention spans - I'll just bring them ten commandments at a time.'

If swimming is such a good way to lose weight, how do you explain whales?

'This is my wife, Viola, who I've been happily married to for twenty five years.'

'All that we learn from history is that we don't learn from history...'

"Fountain of youth? No, I'm searching for a cure for natural causes."

'Meaning of life, eh? -- Who wants to know?'