Love Life Comedian Pillows

Female nail has been hammered in. Says to male nail: 'Sorry, I have a headache.'

"Our violinist isn't here tonight, but Tony here will be happy to play something romantic on his cymbals for you."

"Will you stand by him through humiliating revelation after humiliating revelation, and then-once you're sure it couldn't possibly get any worse-when even more humiliating revelations come to light?"

"I'm just a girl, standing in front of a buoy..."

"Maybe we should have just had a baby..."

'Stop staring and make a wish!'

"My wife thought the phrase 'stick it to the man' meant everyone, hence we're divorced. My new girlfriend and I met at a party. She's krazy, man. We bonded right away and now she's pregnant. It's a squeeze top. My brother's in rehab for sniffing. He never could get his nose out of my business."

"So, what you're telling me is: I have unusually high negatives for a third-year husband..."

"Believe me when I tell you that I'm not that honest."

"My wife says she wants you to make me fit for purpose."

'...I now pronounce you man and wife, anything you say can and will be used against you in a court of law.'

"The couch hates me Jane!"

"How do you love me. Count the ways!"

"That was Copernicus on the phone – he says you're NOT the centre of the universe!"

"I see marriage as a verb, he sees it as a triathlon."

'No, but thanks for asking.'

' You're wonderful.' 'I know.'

"A raise? Unlimited free refills aren't enough for you?"

'Doris,do you realize you are destroying a perfectly happy marriage?'

"They're clean Mum, I washed them yesterday."

'Can't you be happy without forever whistling?'

"He was a rescue."

'There you go again...constantly snagging!'

'man trouble? What you need is a big piece of cake.'

"You're good mum. But, Billy's mum is a better cook than you. She only knows how to make chocolate cake."

"Let's wait for it to come out on cable and then not watch it."

Attack of the 65 - Inch Woman

"But in the dream, ha ha, your family was normal, even that sociopath little brother of yours."

"When I said 'I'm leaving' this morning I meant for the office"

'Ever think it's a whole new world for us old guys?'

We would have come to you sooner, but he wouldn't ask for directions.