Love Life Comedian Gifts

Female nail has been hammered in. Says to male nail: 'Sorry, I have a headache.'

"Our violinist isn't here tonight, but Tony here will be happy to play something romantic on his cymbals for you."

"Will you stand by him through humiliating revelation after humiliating revelation, and then-once you're sure it couldn't possibly get any worse-when even more humiliating revelations come to light?"

"I'm just a girl, standing in front of a buoy..."

"Maybe we should have just had a baby..."

'Stop staring and make a wish!'

'Your place or mine?'

"So, what you're telling me is: I have unusually high negatives for a third-year husband..."

"My wife thought the phrase 'stick it to the man' meant everyone, hence we're divorced. My new girlfriend and I met at a party. She's krazy, man. We bonded right away and now she's pregnant. It's a squeeze top. My brother's in rehab for sniffing. He never could get his nose out of my business."

"My wife says she wants you to make me fit for purpose."

"The couch hates me Jane!"

'...I now pronounce you man and wife, anything you say can and will be used against you in a court of law.'

"How do you love me. Count the ways!"

"That was Copernicus on the phone – he says you're NOT the centre of the universe!"

"Believe me when I tell you that I'm not that honest."

'No, but thanks for asking.'

"I see marriage as a verb, he sees it as a triathlon."

Debbie greatly misinterpreted the marriage counselor's suggestion that she and Tom have a monthly 'date night.'

' You're wonderful.' 'I know.'

"A raise? Unlimited free refills aren't enough for you?"

So … how did you two meet?

"Let's wait for it to come out on cable and then not watch it."

"He was a rescue."

'Can't you be happy without forever whistling?'

'There you go again...constantly snagging!'

"You're good mum. But, Billy's mum is a better cook than you. She only knows how to make chocolate cake."

'Doris,do you realize you are destroying a perfectly happy marriage?'

"They're clean Mum, I washed them yesterday."

'man trouble? What you need is a big piece of cake.'

Attack of the 65 - Inch Woman

Sadie, the way you objectify football players is unconscionable. It's what? All you talk about are their muscles, square jaws, animal intensity. Ooh. What? I live it when you get all puffed up and macho and tough. And what biceps. Much better. Well played. Girl does what she's got to.

"But in the dream, ha ha, your family was normal, even that sociopath little brother of yours."

'Ever think it's a whole new world for us old guys?'

"When I said 'I'm leaving' this morning I meant for the office"

'Wine improves my judgement. The urge to choke you lessens after a couple glasses of Chardonnay.'