Lovable Goofball Gifts

'I think we'll have to call the fire brigade again.'

"I'll have the spaghetti, does that come on toast?"

'This wine is dreadful - try some.'

Shoot For The Moon

"There's got to be a better way to raise potatoes!"

"We found three sort-of Earthlike planets around a nearby star." "Do you think any of them have video games?" "I've been trying to work out the odds of an intelligent species arising and evolving thumbs capable of holding an X-box controller." "Proof of video games would change everything." "I wonder what the aliens on those planets consider sexy." "Living beings creating simulated beings they can smash is the hallmark of an intelligent species."

The Deaths take a selfie.

"What would you recommend pairing with the school of cod fish?"

"Tonight, we'll be eating hot dogs with a mustard-ketchup-and-pickle purée, accompanied by peas lightly sprinkled with ketchup. Then fettuccine al dente with a ketchup sauce, followed by applesauce maison with a dollop of you know what!"

'Congratulations Mrs Marrow, it's a courgette.'

"Quit chasing carbs, try a protein bar."

'Waiter, there's a bank in the soup.'

'Does it bother you that I use wadded tissues as pillows?'

'It's great that you made your own salad, dear, but those aren't croutons, they're dog kibbles.'

'The special today is scraps.'

"This place has the best vegan nachos!"

Frank Loved Bubblewrap

Ostritch Gangsters.

'Remember when we used to call them Wallflowers? The new term is Mingleberries.'

(Can't) Count Dracula.

'Can you recommend something pronounceable?'

Man is preparing pizza by the slice.

Man in snow globe clears snow.

'More Christmas anyone?'

A mason making a peanut butter sandwich.

'I hope you replace your divots!'

'He's an experienced golfer! Experienced in sand traps, water hazards and slicing.'

"Is the Black Cherry Vanilla Beer Coolie any good? That depends on your lack of taste."

"Ewww....Banana slug hammocks really cross me out."

'Well, Frank, I've told you a hundred times to tighten your neck bolts, but do you ever listen? Nooo!'

It's a letter from my boss...in downsizing he got rid of the watch dog, and now I have to bark myself!

"A backflip with a full twist, handspray pike and a three quarter roll will do nothing to further your cause Mr Laney."