Long-time Friend Gifts

"After so many years of marriage what are you getting for your anniversary?" "Drunk."

"Ralph and Ted go back a long way"

"Lassie, go get help!" "Oh Timmy you idiot! Not again!"

Shepherd and eurydice

Help! I'm ROFL and ICGU!

"That's all I get? A sonogram? No tracking number?"

"Why bother?"

'You know you're getting old when you take longer to recover than to get tired.'

"I used to drink to forget. Now, age-related, short-term memory loss takes care of that for me."

Holding hands

'I now pronounce you man and wife, you now may kiss you sweet little bachelor butt goodbye.'

7 Dwarves of Retirement

"I can remember when a dollar was worth $47.32."

Priest

'Muriel's philosophy is that what happens in the kitchen, stays in the kitchen.'

'It's good to see you, Mr. McWit, but you do realize that today is neither Christmas or Easter?'

"Honestly, John, I'm not angry! I was going to suggest you give up driving even before you hit my car in the parking lot!"

The Friendship Between Death and the Doctor.

If you want to see love be love.

Heavy meals on wheels

'Hon, can you fill the dog's water dish?'

(Scheduled) Sex, (Prescription) Drugs & (Classic) Rock & Roll

"It keeps it out of sight when we're not watching it."

"If the weather stays good, we could end up in a very prestigious 1992 Cabernet Sauvignon."

"You really need to think about getting glasses."

Mr. Evers specifically asked for a plain coffee, not an espresso.

"It turns out you can 'take it with you' if you pack correctly."

Which vaccines did they have when you were young? You cannot get under my skin, loser. Were you vaccinated against the black plague? Not bothering me. Were you vaccinated against leprosy? I am unaffected by you. Were you vaccinated against the asteroid that killed the dinosaurs? Munch mun - When's the last time someone shoved a syrupy pancake down your pants?

"You know you're getting old when..."

Red Letter Days - Encounter with the old village sweetheart - 'bless my soul! ... Miss Victoire! ...'

I said, your bones ache because you’re old. I’m referring you to an archaeologist.

"It is now that moment when a close family member tries to speak of the deceased without choking up."

"We balanced our budget this month!"

Rejuvenile Delinquents.

Man, Lemont … how long's it been? Twenty years? Just about. You still working at Pigville Pork Burgers? Nah … I got a job as the Candorville Chronicles White House correspondent. Then I went on to found Candorville.com, the internet's seventh largest source for news and opinion. Oh. That's cool. That's cool. How do you not know this? We're Facebook friends. I post links to my articles every day. We were roommates all through college, and you don't even read my updates? Facebook's for reading yo