Lonely Home Defenders Gifts

'My home's got 'fortress' features galore - the best burglar alarm - armed security guards - intercom system - closed-circuit television - etc. ... I'm a virtual prisoner in my own home!'

"I hope you are enjoying the walk..."

"Honey! He's breached the recliner! I repeat, the puppy has breached my La-Z-Boy!!"

"Brutus! Attack with reasonable force!"

Goal

'Storm'

'How long did you try before calling?'

Ask Sadie. Actual questions from actual readers! Send your questions to asksadie@rudypark.com. Dear Ask Sadie, My mom is always nagging me to clean my room. I don't see why I should have to. I like it the way it is. I don't nag at her for having a clean room, because I know that's how she likes it. How can I get her to just let me be me? - Unhappy at Home. Excellent question. The thing is, it's your mother's job to shape you into a respectable person. If you think "being you" includes being dirt

"I wish I had known you have arachnophobia before I paid."

"Bloody cold-callers - I'm gonna give him a piece of my mind. . .!!"

We all have our jobs to do here --- You guard against burglars and I'm the food critic.

'I hear a burglar downstairs, the poor fool.'

'Roger that...I'm taking the first clean shot I can get.'

Man with fly swat - Let the games begin.

"My husband has a thing about double glazing salesmen."

'This is my toughest soldier -- He's been through Mom's vacuum cleaner eight times!'

'If it weren't for baseball, this whole thing could have ended much differently.'

"When's the TV due back from the workshop?"

How do you keep cats out of your garden? I catch the little sneaks

Castle Cat Flap

'When, son, do you plan to leave your mother and father and cleave unto another?'

Conan the Librarian.

"Listen, kid...I'm doing you a favor... Don't call here again for at least another 10 years."

Turkey Hostage.

Door to door salesman sees sign: 'We have everything.'

"I've asked you never to call me during naptime."

Rarely leaving the house and working just steps away from my refrigerator has expanded my waistline. A homebody!

'The used to be 'slippers', but now they're 'shoes for watching sports on TV'!'

Pest Control

'This has been taking up all of my time.'

The Crime, to the Best of Tiger's Recollection

'Maybe you should ease up on the burglar.'

'Hello? Yes, do you do student removals?'

"I don't let them bite. They just do."

My house is infected with bugs! Pest Control, Inc. Who shall I say is crawling?